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The Benevolent Rambillicus as he Appears to Good Children 




THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Co pie* Reeeived 


AUG I 1903 



ft S * 0 

COPY B. 


T Zio 

, 3 
vM 14 

R Curfy 


Copyright, 1903 
By George W. Jacobs & Co. 
Published July, 1903 


Contents 


CHAPTER p AGE 

I. The Benevolent Rambillicus 7 

II. The Other Side ; . . 13 

III. Over the Housetops 21 

IV. The Undoing of the Delicatessen 39 

V. The Skimolix 63 

VI. The Prisoners of Candy Island 73 

VII. The Warty Proletariat 93 

VIII. The Facts About the Collywobbicolon .... 105 

IX. How the Dancing Brannigan was Outwitted . . 113 

X. The Boy Wizard and How the Quilted Polyzoodle 

Died 125 

XI. The Ticklish Snollygaster and the Penultimate . 137 

XII. Luther Knocksmith’s Experiment 147 

XIII. How Jasper Tricked the Dreadful Rasmatag . . 163 

XIV. The Whispering Shell 187 

XV. The Panjandrum and a Toxicologist .... 207 

Glossary . . .231 








Illustrations 


The Rambillicus as He Appears to Good Children . Frontispiece 
The Other Side of the Benevolent Rambillicus . . page 17 ^ 

The Journey Over the Housetops 29 ^ 

The Skeewink Discovers Mose 33 ^ 

The Rambillicus Wept Very Copiously 47 

“ He is Certainly Dead,” Exclaimed Dear Old Rambillicus . 59 ✓ 

The Tweezer-headed Skimolix 69^ 

The Ultimatum Addressing the Hyossimus . . . . 85 

The Escape of the Prisoners of Candy Island . . . .89 

'‘Come, Come, I’m in a Hurry” 101 

The Collywobbicolon and the Boys Who Played Hookey . 109 
The Brannigan Doing the Ragtime Dance . . . . 119 

Erasmus Recites His Poem to the Quilted Polyzoodle . .133^ 

The Ticklish Snollygaster and the Penultimate . . .141 

Luther Knocksmith’s Experiment 155 

Opening Day at the Zoo 159^ 

Jasper Buys the Steam Boiler 173 / 

“Can You Get Into My Old Boiler?” 179 

The Creature Went to Work While Paul Watched . . 201 v 

The Panjandrum Taking His Midnight Drink. . . . 223/ 





The Benevolent Rambillicus 





The Rambillicus Book 


Chapter I 

THE BENEVOLENT RAMBILLICUS 

ITTLE Johnnie Nelson, attired in a 
suit which, if it outlasts the wear of 
years, will fit him at the age of 
twelve, stood gazing across the 
river into the misty, many-tinted 
depths of the woodlands, already 
turning red and brown under the 
first subtle touch of advancing 
autumn. Over the river is always the land of the un- 
known, and to Johnnie, its calm, cool shades seemed to 
invite coaxingly, yet he held aloof. I inquired into the 
cause of his aloofness, or aloofishness, whichever it is, 
and he told me that the children had informed him there 
were Things over there that caught little boys. 

Now, it is a shame to terrify timid boys like Johnnie, 

9 




IO 


The Rambillicus Book 


although, thank heaven ! such boys are rare, so I took 
him aside and unfolded to him a great mystery. 

I introduced him to the Benevolent Rambillicus, 
describing this beautiful basket-coated animal with great 
minuteness, and drew a faithful likeness of him, so that if 
Johnnie met one in the woods he would recognize it 
at once and not be terrified. 

“The Rambillicus,” I said, “is a creature who 
devotes his entire life to tramping around the woods 
in search of good children who mind their parents, go 
to bed early, never cry or call each other names, and 
are kind to dumb animals and artists. He has a sweet, 
open countenance and a merry twinkle in his eye, and is 
the source of more delights than any other animal of 
which I know. He is something like a hippopotamus in 
shape, but has a hide ornamented with a basketwork 
pattern. He is hollow inside and simply loaded with 
good things, his cargo varying with the season, of course. 

“ In summer, ice cream, cakes, pies, pretzels, fruit, 
soda water, lemonade, pickles, doughnuts, and other 
dainties ; in winter, candies of every sort, hot waffles, 
frankfurters, pork pies, and numberless other charming 
edibles constitute his internal make-up, and his whole 
delight is to give up these things to nice children with 
clean faces. 


The Benevolent Rambillicus n 

“ All you have to do is to find the Rambillicus, walk 
up to him quite fearlessly, and as he smiles and shows 
his works, just take a cake, a doughnut, a pickle, or any- 
thing you want, and say ‘Thank you,’ to him. He 
trembles with sheer delight when a good girl or boy says 
‘ Thank you,’ and if you make a nice long speech of 
gratitude, he is so tickled that he just wriggles with glee 
and squirts soda water, cider, lemonade, and so on, out 
from every side ; so if you decide, my dear, to make 
such a speech, I advise you to stand in front of 
him. 

“ A more lovable animal does not exist, nor, I may 
say, a more useful one. What a pity he refuses to come 
to the city and stay with us all the time instead of tramp- 
ing around in the woods, where, I am sure, there are not 
nearly so many good children. However, such are his 
queer tastes. 

“Perhaps, however, he could not exist in the city. I 
am sure he could not find the food he eats in our streets, 
for it is rare even in the woods nowadays. His principal 
diet is the sugar-coated hornswaggle, a kind of snail that 
is a regular bon-bon on the outside. The Benevolent 
Banana-toed Rambillicus licks the sugar off the horn- 
swaggle, but does not eat the animals themselves. 
Every day the horn-swaggle recoats himself with pow- 


12 


The Rambillicus Book 


dered sugar, but it is not known where he procures it. 
I suspect he gets honey from the flowers, and it crys- 
tallizes upon his back just as it will in a jar if you do 
not hurry up and eat it quickly. 

“ The Rambillicus bakes all his own pies, dough- 
nuts, and so on, by animal heat in a curious oven in the 
centrifugal portion of his perutinium or diaplasticum, you 
understand, and thus they are always fresh, and a 
banana toe comes out from a hole in his pretty feet as 
fast as you remove one. His tail is a pump for either 
cider or lemonade, as you may desire, and there are more 
ways of getting good things out of him than I could re- 
member to tell about. 

“ On the whole, the Rambillicus is simply a lovely 
acquaintance, and if you are lucky enough to meet one 
you will have cause to remember me all your life ; there- 
fore — ” 

I was lying on the grass as I told these wonders to 
Johnnie, and I turned over to see why he had not asked 
me any questions. He had disappeared. When I left, 
thirty-nine of the larger children were still engaged in 
seeking him, and the matron declared that she would 
hold me responsible for his disappearance. I knew very 
well that Johnny had probably met the delightful Ram- 
billicus, and was his, body and soul. 


The Other Side 


Chapter II 

THE OTHER SIDE 

OT twenty-four hours after writ- 
ing the story of the Rambillicus 
I received the following letter: 
Dear Mr. McDougall: 

I liked your picture of the Ram- 
billicus very much, but I would 
like to know what is on the other 
side of him. Yours truly, 

Dick Steel. 

Now it is curious that Dick is the only one who has 
suspected that there might be something different on the 
obverse side of the Benevolent Rambillicus. I was not 
going even to hint that if you walked around him you 
would see something fully as strange as there is on this 
side of him, but I thought I would just keep it a secret to 
tell to a few nice boys and girls. It is so very unusual to 
find an animal who looks different when viewed from the 
other side that I did not think any one would imagine this 

15 



i6 


The Rambillicus Book 


was the case with the tender-hearted Rambillicus ; but, 
you see, Dick seems to have been smart enough to divine 
it. The Rambillicus is, perhaps, the most remarkable of 
all the remarkable animals I know. The other side of 
him is so entirely different from this side that if Dick 
should happen to come upon him suddenly from the 
other side he really would not know or even suspect for 
one minute that he saw the Rambillicus, but he would 
think it was another sort of animal. The great Professor 
Duflicker, of Hoppoffsky College, Gesundheit, Germany, 
when he first observed one feeding in a grove full of 
sugar-coated hornswaggles, thought it was a new species 
of animal, and he called it the Myasfutis Duflickus, and 
it was only when it turned round to go home that he saw 
it was our dear old friend Rambillicus. 

Well, now, I will describe the other side of this 
lovely creature, so that you will know him when you 
see him. 

First, you will see that his head is different and his 
body comes away out toward you, with several doors in 
it leading to v compartments or rooms inside of him. A 
spiral stairway runs up his nearest hind leg and goes up 
to the top of the toboggan slide, which shoots down to 
the ground or into a pond, just as you wish. A large bal- 
loon that is fastened to his tail holds quite a number of 


The Other Side of the Benevolent Rambillicus 




























































































































































































































' 






The Other Side 


19 


children, and goes up every fifteen minutes into clouds 
upon which table-cloths are laid, and lovely dinners of 
chicken salad, ham sandwiches, pickles, and ice-cream are 
waiting for you all the day long. When you get hot you 
just go up in the balloon and cool off and eat. All over 
the Rambillicus hang all sorts of toys, hoops, base-ball 
bats, roller skates, dolls, trumpets, sling-shots, suckers, 
drums, magic lanterns, guns, cameras, bicycles, etc., so 
that really, if I showed you a picture of him with every- 
thing on, he would look exactly like a toy store that had 
been mussed up by a cyclone. 

When you go up the steps into his inside you find 
more wonders. At one end of him is a Punch and Judy 
show that never ends, with a splendid organ that he 
works by simply breathing. At the other, up by his 
neck, is a stage, where trained animals — dogs, horses, 
rabbits, cats, pigs, monkeys, and, strange to say, fleas 
(for Rambillicus fleas are large, but very harmless) — are 
performing constantly, and doing stunts that have never 
been seen on any other stage, and without, mind you, a 
man standing around cracking a whip all the time. The 
animals perform all by themselves, and are fine. Over- 
head a wonderful music box plays, and there is a broad, 
level floor for dancing or roller skating right in the 
middle. All sorts of lovely dresses and suits of clothes 


20 


The Rambillicus Book 


are in the closets all around, so that if you get your 
clothes mussed or soiled, you walk up and put on a new 
suit, and if you want to go dirty — well, all right, nobody 
cares. You do not even have to wash your face if you 
don’t want to, but, of course, the children here always 
do ; and there are lovely bath rooms under the dancing 
floor for them, with shower baths and even hose to squirt 
on each other. The other side of the Benevolent Ram- 
billicus is always turned toward beautiful flower and fruit 
gardens, base-ball grounds, swimming ponds, hammocks 
and swings, and places where boys and girls can shout, 
squeal, and make the most uncouth noises without any- 
body’s objecting in the least. And finally, if you wish to 
stay, there are beds to sleep in, and you need not go to 
bed until you feel good and sleepy. 

But yet, delightful as it all is, I would not like, if I 
were a child, to remain long with good old Rambillicus, 
because, while you are there, so much is going on to dis- 
tract the attention that one cannot learn his lessons, and 
perhaps forgets even what he has learned, and so falls 
behind his class at school. 

Besides that, this animal has a queer habit of chewing 
up all the school books he comes across, and you know 
what happens when you lose your school books. 


Over the Housetop 








Chapter III 

OVER THE HOUSETOPS 

AM going to tell you now about a 
boy who never had heard of the 
Rambillicus nor of any of the ani- 
mals in the woods ; in fact, he did 
not even know that there was a 
woods, nor any other place outside 
of his own neighborhood. 

This boy’s name is Mose Lu- 
binsky, and he lived in a narrow 
alley in a part of the city which is very dirty and nasty 
all the time. All the streets are crowded with people 
trying to sell each other all sorts of rubbish ; the side- 
walks are blocked with barrels and boxes of stale vege- 
tables and half-decayed fruit, and the very meanest and 
mangiest dogs run about, half starved, with all the 
natural abandon of mongrels. Even the air seems soiled 
and musty in this locality. The houses are all very old 
and look as if they never had seen a house cleaning since 
William Penn died. The gutters are filled with scraps 

23 



24 


The Rambillicus Book 


of paper, cabbage-leaves, banana-peel, fishheads, and all 
sorts of trash, and the children have to play there because 
the sidewalks are taken up by the stands and the people 
buying, selling, or gossiping. The house in which Mose 
lived was back of another house, and there was only a 
narrow court for the children to play in. There were 
sixty-nine children to play in this one court, so you may 
see that a little chap like Mose did not get much chance. 

Anyhow, he would have had no time to play, for he 
had to take care of his baby half-sister all the time. That 
is why he never went to school. Just as soon as one 
baby got big enough to walk, there came another and he 
was kept very busy constantly. His own mother had 
died when he was very young and his father had married 
again, and his stepmother did not love him a bit. She 
never got him any new clothes, but bought old, second- 
hand things from the stands, and they were always too 
big for Mose, so that he looked like a shapeless bundle 
of rags. His stepmother would not mend his clothes 
when the larger boys tore them, but just tied strings 
around him and these kept breaking, so that his clothes 
fell off whenever he got a chance to put the baby down 
and play for a minute. 

The other children did not like Mose much, either, 
for he had a habit of keeping his face clean, so that he 


25 


Over the Housetops 

seemed different from the rest of the boys in the street. 
His stepmother, too, often wondered where he got this 
habit, for it was certainly not from her, as she washed 
her face only once in a while, when it began to feel 
kind of crinkly from the dirt. One day his fathei died, 
and after a little time his stepmother married a huckster, 
and then Mose had a stepfather. Was there ever a boy 
worse off in the world? His stepfather used to amuse 
himself by beating Mose, and then, when he got out of 
the house, the other boys would pounce upon him and 
lam him because he would not cry when his father beat 
him, so that they could enjoy it too. He had to sleep in 
a box full of old rags, and all the pleasure he got in life 
was in the company of a starved little dog, who actually 
had no name (think of it !) because Mose did not know 
enough to choose a name for him. He just called him 
Dog. 

Dog was the only one who was fond of Mose, and 
Mose’s whole heart went out to him in return. He 
would talk to him in bed at night, and tell him that some 
day they would run away, as soon as he could raise ten 
cents, and go to another part of town ; for, of course, 
Mose did not know anything about running away to sea 
and becoming a sailor, an admiral, or a pirate, or going to 
fight Indians, as most boys do when they run away from 


26 


The Rambillicus Book 


home. When Mose said this, Dog would look at him 
with his big brown eyes and wag his tail, seeming to 
understand every word. He would run to the door and 
almost say: “Let’s go right now, and I’ll show you the 
way.” 

Well, one night the room in which the whole family 
of nine slept was so warm and smelt so strong of garlic, 
and Mose was so hungry, that he could not sleep, so he 
went out on the roof at the back of the house with Dog 
and sat there, wishing he had one of the big, brown cakes 
that the old man at the corner sells, two for a cent. The air 
was pretty cold, and Mose shivered as he pulled his rags 
closely together around him. Dog shook, too, a good 
deal, but as he did that most of the time, or whenever 
he passed a boy or another dog, Mose did not think he 
was as cold as himself. The sky was very clear, and 
Mose looked up at the stars and wondered if a man came 
around and fixed them every night, as he did the electric 
lights at the corner. 

They twinkled down merrily at him, making him 
feel as if they were eyes shining up there, and he wished 
he could sail away and up into the sky, far, far from 
babies and stepfathers and mothers, and stay forever, 
just floating along like smoke. You see he was so empty 
and starved that he felt just like you feel when you have 


27 


Over the Housetops 

a fever. He was so empty that he felt as though he could 
easily float off the roof if the wind should blow hard, 
and he wondered if he would look as skinny as Dog if he 
took his clothes off. It had been a long time since he 
had taken off his clothes, for they were so tied up that it 
would have been pretty hard to get them on again, and 
therefore he had to sleep in them. By and by, as he 
watched the stars, he saw that one of them was moving 
along and passing the rest of them quite swiftly. This 
surprised Mose, as he had often sat there and looked at 
them, but none of them had ever moved. It surely was 
going along, however, and he went to the edge of the 
roof to see more clearly. 

Pretty soon he saw a big, dark thing like a round 
cloud coming along, and then he saw that what he had 
thought was a star was a light on this big, dark spot. 
It came nearer, and when it was right overhead a strange 
thing happened. Something just grabbed Mose right at 
the waistband of his trousers and snatched him up into 
the air. As he was lifted off the roof Dog grabbed 
him by the leg of his trousers and went along too. 

Now, I know you will think the Geewhiz, the Snolly- 
gaster, the Hyossimus, or some such animal had got 
Mose, but you will be mistaken ; for, after all, Mose was 
a good boy, even if you may say he had no time to be 


28 


The Rambillicus Book 


bad had he wanted to. No, this was what had happened. 
The dark thing was a balloon going over the city, and 
the man in the balloon had dropped the anchor in order 
to stop the balloon so that he could go to a drug store 
and get some quinine pills, but the anchor had just 
skipped along over the housetops, missing everything 
except Mose and Dog. It yanked them up into the air 
and swept them along like the wind, higher and higher. 

He could not yell, but only held on to Dog with all 
his might, hoping that his waistband would not give out 
and drop him on top of some sharp steeple. He could 
see all the big city as it spread out beneath him and he 
wondered how far it went, for there seemed to be noth- 
ing but lights as far as he could see, and you may be 
sure he could see several miles from that height. His 
waistband held all right, for neither Mose nor Dog was 
very heavy. Soon they had passed over the city and 
could see the dark forests beneath them, but Mose did 
not know what forests they were, of course. They came 
lower and lower, after a while, and soon were sailing 
along, just brushing the tops of the tall trees of the 
woods ; then, while Mose was wondering if that was 
a public park, such as he had seen in the city, whack ! 
they went against a big pine tree, and then the ragged 
old trousers gave way ! 





The Journey Over the Housetops 


































. 













































































































' 

* 






Over the Housetops 31 

Down fell Mose, holding fast to Dog, through the 
bending branches, from limb to limb, until they both 
landed on a deep bed of green moss at the foot of the 
tree. 

When Mose picked himself up he was not hurt at 
all, nor was Dog, but Mose’s rags were somewhere up in 
the tree and he had no more clothes on than Dog had. 
But he was so glad to get away from the thing that had 
caught him — for he did not know it was a balloon — that 
he did not care about losing his ragged clothes, and they 
were so tired with slapping about in the air that they both 
lay down on the moss and went right to sleep. 

Now the Benevolent Rambillicus lived in these 
woods, but he had had so many youngsters coming to 
see him that he was nearly wild at being so busy, and he 
had engaged an animal called the Skeewink to help him 
out. The Skeewink, who is a fat, merry old fellow, that 
looks more like a big coon than anything else, was wan- 
dering around just at sunrise, looking for Gazipp berries, 
and he came upon Mose and Dog lying asleep under the 
pine tree. He was quite surprised to see a boy without 
any clothes in the woods, so he hurried away to Ram- 
billicus and woke him up. 

“ Hey, Ram,” said he, in some excitement, “come 
over here, quick ! I’ve just found a Cupid, I think, over 


32 


The Rambillicus Book 


by the lemonade brook ! Anyway, if it isn’t a Cupid, 
(and, in fact, if it is, he’ s a very dirty Cupid) it’s a boy 
you ought to attend to, for he has a nice face, but looks 
awfully starved.” 

“All right,” said Rambillicus ; “ I’ll go over just as 
soon as I have ordered breakfast for all the children.” 
The Skeewink said that the Cupid had no clothes and 
Rambillicus told him to pick out a nice suit of navy blue, 
with a captain’s gold stripes on the sleeves, and take it to 
the boy ; but when the Skeewink got back with the clothes, 
Mose and Dog were paddling around in a little lake and 
having great fun, for, strange to say, it was just like sum- 
mer where the Rambillicus lived. It was the first time 
Mose had ever bathed, and when the Skeewink came to 
the shore of the pond and called him he did not want to 
come out ; besides, he was a little afraid of the animal 
and so was Dog, but Dog was always scared, anyway. 
Still, the Skeewink looked pleasant, so they came out, 
and when Mose saw the clothes he fell into the lake 
again from surprise. 

The captain’s suit looked so grand that Mose was 
afraid to put it on, and really the Skeewink had to 
help him, for he had never had a new suit and did not 
know just how to get into it. Then, after the Skee- 
wink had shown them the lemonade brook and they 



The Skeewink Discovers Mose 
























^ 1 1 I 










































































































































































































. 















35 


Over the Housetops 

had taken a big drink of the very finest lemonade in 
all the world, he took them to Rambillicus. Well, 
poor Mose’s head simply swam around when he saw 
the things that Rambillicus had for children. The 
other youngsters there took Mose all about after 
breakfast and showed him how to get the red ba- 
nanas, cakes, pretzels, pickles, and everything, and how 
to play games of all kinds ; and Dog ran around with his 
tail up in the air for the first time in his life. He himself 
was surprised at that even more than Mose was. The 
day passed in one endless string of delights, and Mose 
would pinch himself and Dog every little while to see 
if he were not dreaming. At night they all slept in 
pretty little tents on the sweetest scented beds, where 
Mose lay for a long while with Dog cuddled up beside 
him, afraid to go to sleep for fear of waking up at home 
in the box of dirty rags. 

The next day it was just the same, and some of the 
games were of such a kind that, somehow or other, Mose 
began to learn his letters without really knowing it, and 
his enjoyment was so great that he almost cried at the 
thought of another thing grabbing him and carrying him 
off home, for that was what any boy who did not know 
much might well have imagined who had been picked up 
in the dark by a balloon. Perpetual summer sunshine, 


36 


The Rambillicus Book 


gay, sweetly-perfumed flowers, and continuous laughter 
were something new to Mose, and every moment was 
precious to him, for he could not believe that it would 
last ; but day after day went like the day before, and still 
it endured, and all the time he was learning all sorts of 
things that made another boy of him. 

One day he suddenly noticed that Dog, who now 
was called Aaron, because he followed Moses, had grown 
awfully fat — so fat that it was all he could do to wag his 
tail — and that made Mose wonder if he, too, had got fat. 
He went to a mirror, and, lo ! he was so plump that he 
hardly knew himself, and, in fact, he now looked like 
quite another boy than the skinny Mose who had come 
there a few days before. He told Aaron that he was 
afraid that no balloon anchor could hold them now if it 
took them — for, you see, he now knew what it was 
that had brought them there. He was employed all the 
time helping Rambillicus attend to the younger children 
and teaching them games, and he enjoyed that immensely, 
for nothing is more pleasing than to impart knowledge 
to those who know less than you do. 

Well, time passed on — as it has a habit of doing, 
even in the woods — and one day Rambillicus came to 
Mose, as he was showing a flock of Gewgaw birds to a 
lot of newly-arrived children, and said : 


Over the Housetops 


37 


“Mose, the time has now come for you to return 
home, as you are now too big to be wasting time here 
among the children.” 

“Why!” cried poor Mose, “I’ve been here only a 
little while ! I don’t want to go home, for nobody loves 
me there and everybody does here.” 

“You have now been here seven years,” said Ram- 
billicus, “ and you can’t spend your whole life here. It 
would not be right. I want you out among the children, 
so that you can send them to me from the part of town 
you live in. You will be the Rambillicus’s agent there, 
you see.” 

Mose was so surprised to hear that he had been 
there for seven years that he had nothing more to say, 
and when the Skeewink came with an immense load of 
toys to take with him to town he almost wept. 

“Take these toys and start a store and sell them 
cheap to poor children,” said Rambillicus. “Your store 
will always be filled with all the newest things, so that all 
will go to you to buy, because you have been a good 
boy and deserve all you get.” 

Up came a horse and a big wagon, and after he had 
said good-by to Rambillicus and the children Mose went 
away, but he promised to come every little while to see 
the dear old fellow. The Skeewink went to the edge of 


38 


The Rambillicus Book 


the woods with him, and then Mose departed. When 
Mose got back to town, following the directions given by 
Dog Aaron, who knew the way well, like all dogs do, he 
found everything changed. 

The ramshackle old house in which he had lived had 
been pulled down and a big store stood there, with 
Moses Lubinsky over the door ; it had been bought for 
him by Rambillicus for his toy store. 

When he inquired after his stepfather and stepmother 
he learned that he had beaten her and given her a black 
eye four years before, and had been sent to jail ; where- 
upon his stepmother had run away with a peddler. 
All of his half-brothers were in the orphan asylum, and 
nobody knew he was the little boy who had disappeared 
seven years before, but everybody wanted to know the 
rich toy dealer who was going to start the big store. 

So there is Mose now, and if you want to see him 
yourself, go and look for his sign, away down Fourth 
Street, and when you find it, walk in and tell him that I 
sent you to him. 


The Undoing of the Delicatessen 



Chapter IV 

THE UNDOING OF THE DELICATESSEN 

OW I am going to tell you how two 
boys discovered the Rambillicus, 
and how they overcame a dread- 
ful animal called the Delicatessen, 
which had despoiled the Benevo- 
lent One of all the children’s fine 
toys and other good things. 

Marmaduke Adair Hoover was 
one of these boys. He was a very 
sickly lad, whose legs were so weak that he could walk 
but a few steps at a time, and had to be pushed around 
in a wheel chair. He never played any of the games 
that all other boys enjoyed ; the best he could do was to 
sit and look on, and he was glad to be able to do that, as 
most days he was in bed. The other boy was named 
Shorty Fortesque, and everybody said he was a bad boy 
because he broke windows, robbed birds’ nests, smoked 
cigarettes, and fought with other boys upon each and 
every occasion that presented itself. Yet. bad as he was, 

4i 



42 


The Rambillicus Book 


he had a good heart and he was so sorry for Marmaduke 
that, instead of leaving him alone as the others did, he 
used to wheel him around for hours. In fact, all that 
Marmaduke ever had seen of the fields and woodlands 
was what he had observed when Shorty pushed the chair, 
for there was no one else willing to do it. In return 
Marmaduke, who had read many books, told great stories 
to Shorty, which the latter thought repaid him for the 
slight trouble of wheeling the sickly boy about. 

One day, not long after the Fourth of July, as 
Shorty was lying in the grass beside Marmaduke in the 
shade of a great chestnut tree, far in the woods, and 
Marmaduke was thinking of getting out of his chair and 
taking a few steps, something rustled in the bushes near 
them. 

“Sh — what’s that?” whispered Shorty; “I’ll bet 
it’s a rabbit.” 

“ Maybe it’s a snake,” said Marmaduke, feeling glad 
that he had not gotten out. 

Shorty crawled into the bushes and, in a moment, 
Marmaduke heard him shout: “A balloon! A buster, 
too !” 

Soon he appeared carrying in his arms a great paper 
balloon, the biggest they had ever seen, for it was fifteen 
feet in length when Shorty spread it out on the grass. 


Undoing of the Delicatessen 43 

“It’s all right, too,” said Shorty, after he had ex- 
amined it carefully ; “ not a hole in it, and there is a 
great big sponge fast to it ! If we had some alcohol we 
could soak the sponge with it and send it up right 
now ! ” 

“ I’ve a bottle of alcohol under the seat of the chair,” 
said Marmaduke. “ They use it to rub my legs when 
they get lumps on them.” 

He had hardly spoken when Shorty had the bottle 
out and was pouring alcohol on the big sponge that hung 
in a wire ring beneath the balloon. Then he lighted it, 
for, as he smoked cigarettes, he always had matches, and 
Marmaduke was so excited that he stood up in his chair. 
Shorty told him to help hold the balloon straight, so that 
the hot air would go up into it, and Marmaduke grasped 
the sides. It was made of red, white, and blue paper, 
and as it filled with hot air it swelled out and looked 
fine. Soon it stood up and then it towered over their 
heads. It began to sway in the slight wind and Shorty 
cried: “Gee 1 It will get away before we’re ready!” 

He passed the straps of Marmaduke’s chair through 
the wire ring and that held the balloon down until it was 
filled with the heated air. Then it tugged so hard on the 
straps that the chair began to rise from the ground. 

“ Hey 1” cried Marmaduke ; “ I’m going up 1” He 


44 


The Rambillicus Book 


was about to scramble out when Shorty sprang on the 
chair to hold it down. It came back to earth quickly 
enough, but in a few minutes the balloon was so filled 
with air that it suddenly sailed right up with both of 
them. 

They were too scared to say anything for a few 
minutes, as they shot way above the trees and then sailed 
along toward the mountains. 

“Hold on tight,” said Shorty. “The air will get 
cool pretty soon and then we will come down again just 
as gently as a hen-hawk ; see if we don’t. You needn’t 
be scared.” 

“ I am not scared at all,” replied Marmaduke. “ It’s 
fine.” 

Instead of coming down as soon as they expected, 
however, the balloon kept on soaring, and when it reached 
the mountains, it sailed right over the tops of them and 
then kept on farther. 

“ It looks as if it never was going to stop,” said 
Marmaduke. “ We’re getting an awful ways from home. 
I don’t see how we’re going to get back again.” 

“Where do you suppose we are?” asked Shorty. 
“You know more about geography than I do, Marmy.” 

“ I don’t know,” replied the sickly boy, “but I think 
we’ve gone an awful ways. Maybe we’re in Africa.” 


Undoing of the Delicatessen 45 

“We’d see elephants and monkeys if we were in 
Africa, I guess,” said Shorty. 

“Well, I see something down there that looks like 
an elephant or a hippopotamus,” exclaimed Marmaduke. 

Shorty looked, and sure enough, below them, but 
still far ahead, was an animal at the edge of a deep 
forest, that was certainly like a hippopotamus, but even at 
that distance they could see the door in its side and the 
silver cups hanging in rows from its neck to its tail. Just 
then the balloon began to sink gradually and it was quite 
plain that it would soon land them right beside the 
strange animal. As it descended they began to worry, 
for they did not know what they would do if the animal 
went for them. Suddenly Marmaduke cried out, joy- 
fully: 

“ Oh, I know what it is ! It’s the Benevolent Ram- 
billicus !” 

“How do you know?” asked Shorty, feeling, how- 
ever, much relieved. 

“ I’ve read all about him and I’ve a picture of him 
at home,” answered Marmaduke. “ Oh, we are mighty 
lucky!” 

He then told Shorty all about the Rambillicus, and 
by the time the balloon sank to the ground he was well 
prepared to greet the benevolent creature ; but, as they 


46 


The Rambillicus Book 


both walked up to the animal, they were amazed to see 
that it was shedding great tears that fell upon the ground 
in heavy splashes. It did not look at them until Marma- 
duke spoke. 

“Dear Mr. Rambillicus, pray what is the matter?” 
he asked. 

“ Oh, I am in sore distress and affliction,” groaned 
the Rambillicus. “All is lost! Everything is swept 
away, and who will care for the children for the rest of 
the summer?” 

The boys now noticed that many of the drinking 
cups were battered, others were wrenched off and were 
lying on the ground, and through the open door they 
could see the inside of the animal swept clean of all the 
games, toys, and dainties of which Marmaduke had told 
Shorty Fortesque. There was nothing left at all to en- 
tertain the children nor to feed them either. 

“ What did it?” asked Shorty. “Was it a cyclone?” 

“The dreadful Delicatessen did it just now,” replied 
the Rambillicus. “ I didn’t know that he was in this 
neighborhood at all. The Skeewink, which has always 
warned me before in time to escape, never gave me a hint 
that the thing was near until it pounced on me and tore 
away everything I had. It ripped off even the merry-go- 
round and some of the drinking cups, as you see.” 





Undoing of the Delicatessen 49 

“What sort of a beast is this Delicatessen?” asked 
Shorty, glancing about him. 

“ Oh, a fearsome thing,” replied the Rambillicus, 
wiping his eyes. “ It is enormous, being far larger than 
I, and it has about a dozen big trunks, somewhat like the 
elephant’s, only they have sharp spikes on their ends, and 
they rise out of his back. With these trunks it can seize 
anything that comes along and dash it to the ground or 
tear it apart; and it has a tremendous mouth, several 
feet wide. If it gets you once it’s good-by to you, surely. 
Why, even the horrible roars of the Delicatessen are 
enough to frighten one to death. I am trembling still, 
and my poor ears ring yet with the din. I am all of a 
perspiration.” 

“Yes, I can see that you are,” said Marmaduke, 
sympathetically. “ I wish we could help you.” 

“ Oh, what could two feeble boys do against the 
Delicatessen ?” cried the Rambillicus. “ He would 
devour you in a minute.” 

“ Why do they call him by such a funny name ?” 
asked Shorty. 

‘Because, for all of his tremendous spiked trunks 
and his great mouth, he has on his back a big red eye, 
his only eye, and all around this eye his flesh is so ex- 
traordinarily delicate and tender that the slightest touch 


5 ° 


The Rambillicus Book 


upon it would kill him instantly. That’s why all of his 
trunks are placed on his back around this delicate danger 
spot in order to protect it. I should never have known 
about it if the Kiwi bird had not informed me one day ; 
but to-day, when he attacked me, I never thought of 
it.” 

“That’s a pity,” said Shorty, “for if you had just 
given him a good whack on that spot while he was rum- 
maging around among the toys and pies and cakes, you 
might have knocked him out.” 

“ I am afraid he would have been too quick for me, 
and besides if I had made him angry he might have 
killed me, and what would the poor children do then ? 
I can get more toys and things somewhere later this 
summer, but there never will be another Rambillicus, let 
me tell you.” 

The poor, afflicted animal began to weep bitterly 
again. 

“ Brace up, old fellow,” said Marmaduke, con- 
solingly. “ If there’s any boy can help you out, it’s 
Shorty Fortesque.” Marmaduke certainly believed this, 
for Shorty was really and truly a hero to him. 

“ Oh, come ; I don’t say I can do anything. I can 
only try, you know,” said Shorty. 

“I am afraid to let you try, for I know the dreadful 


Undoing of the Delicatessen 51 

power of the Delicatessen, and I know you wouldn’t last 
a minute when once in his clutches.” 

“We’ll try to keep out of his clutches,” said Shorty. 
“You just dry your tears and perk up while we sneak into 
the bushes. I wish he had left a couple of drinks of sar- 
saparilla behind, for I’m awful thirsty.” 

“ Perhaps he did, I don’t know,” replied Ram- 
billicus. “ If you pump my tail up and down a few 
times — that’s the way to do it, you know — you may 
find some left in the sarsaparilla fountain here on the 
right side.” 

Shorty began to pump, and to his delight there was 
almost a whole gallon of ice-cold sarsaparilla, and they 
all had a big drink, after which Rambillicus said he felt 
much better already. 

“You lie down and take a rest,” said Marmaduke, 
“while we reconnoiter the land.” The Rambillicus sank 
into a mossy bed beneath a tall cocoanut tree, and the 
boys strolled away ; but in a few minutes they met 
another strange animal, which Marmaduke at once recog- 
nized as the Skeewink, that queer creature like a gigantic 
raccoon, which acts as agent for the Rambillicus, and dis- 
covers poor and worthy children for him to treat to good 
things every summer. 

“Ha! have you heard the news, boys?” said the 


52 


The Rambillicus Book 


Skeewink, as he approached. “ Poor Ram is cleaned 
out and hasn’t a pretzel left.” 

“Yes, we knew it, and we’re looking for the Deli- 
catessen now.” 

“Gracious!” exclaimed the Skeewink, startled; 
“why he’ll eat you up in a jiffy !” 

“ If we give him a chance ; but we won’t. He’s so 
full of pie I’ll bet by this time that he can’t move,” said 
Shorty. 

“Well, perhaps that’s so,” said the Skeewink, 
thoughtfully. “ He’s sitting over yonder behind the 
caramel bushes with the umbrella cover of the merry-go- 
round over his head to keep the sun from striking his 
tender spot, and he hasn’t moved for more than an hour. 
I’ve been watching him.” 

Shorty hurried away, followed as fast as possible by 
Marmaduke. Soon they came to the caramel bushes, 
and peeping through them they saw the awful thing sit- 
ting, as the Skeewink had said, with the umbrella over 
his head, and his trunks holding all sorts of prizes, pies, 
cakes, fruit, drums, hats, ping-pong racquets, trumpets, 
guns, whistles, magic lanterns, sail boats, hoops, dolls, 
boxes of candy, cream puffs — everything you could think 
of, so that he looked like a regular Christmas tree just 
ready for the youngsters. But alas for the youngsters who 


Undoing of the Delicatessen 53 

would have been foolish enough to approach to take any- 
thing from that terrible tree ! The ground all about him 
for yards was covered with toys of every kind, and frag- 
ments of goodies littered all the wood for half a mile, 
showing that he had eaten an awful lot and then wasted 
as much more. Shorty grew quite enraged when he saw 
the terrible waste of good things, and his breath came in 
grunts as he clinched his fists ; but the Delicatessen was 
entirely too gigantic for any boy to tackle, and that he 
saw immediately. He took Marmaduke’s hand and they 
stole back to the Rambillicus, whom they found fast 
asleep with a great tear standing, ready to fall, on each 
dear old eyelid. 

Shorty gritted his teeth as he said : 

“ Gee ! I wish I could do something to that Deli- 
catessen !” 

“Well, can’t you?” asked Marmaduke. 

“ Why, how on earth can a boy tackle such a mon- 
ster as that?” cried Shorty. “What do you think I am? 
A giant ?” 

“ It isn’t a question of strength,” said Marmaduke, 
“ but of brains. Of course, we are too small to go for 
him and fight him like the whalers tackle the largest 
whale ; but that soft, tender spot on his back seems to 
me to offer an opportunity. All we have to do is to hit 


54 


The Rambillicus Book 


him with something there, for you know Rambillicus said 
the least blow there would be fatal. Now, how are we to 
land on that spot ?” 

After thinking a while Marmaduke shouted in glee : 
“ I have it ! I surely have it I We’ve got old Deli- 
catessen !” 

“What is it?” cried Shorty. 

“ The balloon. Have we any more alcohol ?” asked 
Marmaduke. 

Shorty ran to the chair which lay underneath the 
balloon, just as it had fallen, and held up the bottle. 

“ It’s half full yet !” he shouted. 

“Then that’s the end of the Delicatessen ! Here’s 
where we knock him out !” said Marmaduke. “Soak the 
sponge and be ready to sail. Do you see that big iron 
spike on the ground over yonder?” 

“Yes,” said Shorty. “Do you expect to kill him 
with that.” 

“That’s exactly what I want to do. Bring it to the 
chair and put it in.” 

Shorty now began to get an idea of what Marma- 
duke wished to do, and he brought the spike, after which 
they lighted the alcohol in the sponge as before, and in 
a few minutes the chair began to rise. Then, before the 
balloon was completely filled with heated air, they moved 


Undoing of the Delicatessen 55 

it, chair and all, away around to windward of the place 
where the Delicatessen was resting under the merry-go- 
round umbrella, so that they would sail right over him. 

As they began to sail away Rambillicus awoke and 
saw them. 

“ Oh, are you going?” he cried. “I am sorry! I 
thought you would stay a while and try to help me out 
by gathering up some of the things.” 

He ran along beneath them and looked up at them 
piteously. 

“We are coming right back,” shouted Marmaduke. 
“We are going to finish up old Delicatessen, and then 
we’ll stay with you as long as you wish. Please go and 
lie down, or else you will put him on his guard, and we 
will not be able to do a thing to him.” 

“All right,” shouted Rambillicus, for they were now 
away up in the air. “ Come right back as soon as you 
are done.” 

The gentle breeze carried them along slowly, and 
soon they saw the legs of the Delicatessen sticking out 
from under the umbrella. Then the grandeur of Marma- 
duke’s plan suddenly dawned upon Shorty, for he real- 
ized that the awful creature could not see them coming 
in the balloon, although if they had approached on the 
ground he would have discovered them instantly and have 


56 


The Rambillicus Book 


been on his guard at once. The monster was sprawled 
out on the grass with no thought of danger, gorged with 
pie, cake, and candy, and almost asleep. The balloon 
approached, and it seemed as if even the elements were 
in league with the lads, for the breeze ceased to blow just 
as they reached the spot and the balloon poised itself 
exactly above the Delicatessen. He never moved, for he 
was unconscious of his danger ; but from the wintergreen 
lozenge tree, off to the left, came a loud, weird chuckle. 
This was uttered by the Kiwi bird, which was watching 
and saw what was going to happen to the Delicatessen, 
and could not control his glee. The noise made the 
Delicatessen look around, but he never moved the um- 
brella nor directed his gaze upward, and the Kiwi, in 
alarm, choked himself with his claw for fear he would 
laugh right out and warn the beast 

Just when they hung exactly over the great red, 
white, and blue merry-go-round umbrella, Marmaduke 
Hoover poised the big iron spike between his thumb and 
finger for a moment and then dropped it. It shot down 
like a bullet, pierced the umbrella, and vanished from the 
view of the boys, but they knew instantly that it had 
fallen true. All the great horrid trunks of the Deli- 
catessen began to twist and writhe, his legs shot out, he 
tore the ground with his claws, the umbrella was hurled 


Undoing of the Delicatessen 57 

far away, and the most awful howls and growls filled the 
woods. They saw at once that the great red eye of the 
monster had been smashed, and nothing but a big hole 
showed in the centre of the tender spot. He hurled 
toys, pies, and crullers for hundreds of feet around as he 
struggled in his dying agonies, and tore such enormous 
holes in the earth that the boys realized what would have 
happened to them if they had fallen into his clutches. He 
bellowed so loudly that toward the last the Rambillicus 
heard him far in the distance and trembled, for he thought 
that the boys had fallen victims to their daring. The Kiwi 
bird, however, unable to control himself any longer, hur- 
ried to Rambillicus as fast as he could run (for you know 
he has no wings), uttering wild shrieks of joy, and related 
what had happened. 

“What,” cried Rambillicus, opening his eyes wide 
with amazement, “ do you mean to say that those two 
little boys, with no other weapon than an iron spike, have 
destroyed that gigantic, terrible, and all-devouring Deli- 
catessen ?” 

“They certainly have,” chuckled the Kiwi bird, danc- 
ing in glee. “ He is as dead as a door nail by this time, 
for he has stopped howling and that is a sure sign.” 

“ Let us hurry to them at once,” cried Rambillicus, 
his face brightening. The Kiwi led him quickly to the 


58 


The Rambillicus Book 


spot where lay the now dead monster. The balloon was 
just settling gently to the ground a few feet away from 
the gigantic carcass and the boys sprang out at the same 
moment that Rambillicus arrived. 

“ He is certainly dead !” exclaimed dear old Ram- 
billicus. “ I can scarcely believe my eyes. Who would 
have thought it possible?” 

“ He-he,” chuckled the Kiwi ; “ they are the smartest 
boys that ever came to the forest.” 

'‘Dear, dear, what a hideous thing he is,” said Ram- 
billicus ; “ how glad I am to be rid of him, and it is a great 
comfort that he was the only one in all the world.” He 
walked around and examined the horrid sprawling 
body. 

“We had to make a hole in the merry-go-round 
cover when we speared him,” said Marmaduke, “but it 
could not be helped.” 

“Oh, that is easily mended,” laughed the Rambil- 
licus ; “we can patch that up in no time.” 

The Skeewink then appeared and was dumfounded. 
He pranced around clumsily and began to shout. 

“ See the toys ; see the games ; see the pies and 
cake. Why, we can save lots of them !” he cried 
joyfully 

“Yes,” said Rambillicus, as he looked over the grass, 


He Is Certainly Head, Exclaimed Hear Old Rambillicus 























































Undoing of the Delicatessen 61 

“ he has not done as much damage as I expected. Let 
us get to work at once and gather them up.” 

It did not take long for the Skeewink and Ram- 
billicus to recover all the games, toys, and good things 
which the Delicatessen had spared. They found the 
merry-go-round undamaged in the hokey-pokey bushes, 
and the toboggan slide, in good condition, lay beside the 
lemonade brook, and only one of the swings was miss- 
ing. The principal damage, after all, had been done 
among the eatables, and now that this alarm was over, 
Rambillicus realized how easily he could procure a new 
supply of these. When everything had been restored to 
its proper place, dear old Benevolent Rambillicus moved 
off grandly with a cheerful countenance, and with the 
boys on his back and the Skeewink prancing in advance, 
he marched to the Perennial Picnic Grounds. 










The Skimolix 






Chapter V 


THE SKIMOLIX 

[E other day I received the follow- 
ing letter, upon a subject which I 
confess is something entirely novel 
to me. I give it exactly as I re- 
ceived it : 

Clifton Place, Jersey City. 
Dear Mr. McDougall : 

I and another boy like to read 
My mother read out loud a piece 
about giving up places in the cars to ladies. I’d just as 
lief stand on the platform as not. But what I want to 
know is, suppose a girl that goes to the same school with 
you hits you in the face. What ought a fellow to do ? 

Samuel Janett, Jr. 

The above question is one that arises very often in 
a boy’s life, and yet is a peculiarly difficult one to answer. 
Every boy knows what to do if another boy should hit 

65 



66 


The Rambillicus Book 


him anywhere at all, but the problem assumes another 
shape entirely when it is the act of a girl. 

I gather from the tone of Samuel’s letter that, 
strange to say, this may be an occurrence that is frequent 
enough to call for the attention of one whose sole desire 
is to guide, admonish, and instruct the youth of our land. 

Instead of trying to advise Samuel to return the 
blow or to walk away without taking notice of the act, or 
to drop a mouse or a spider down the girl’s back, or to put 
burrs in her hair, or to do any other mean trick that bad 
boys would think of, I want to go direct to the root of 
the evil and address myself to such girls as would strike 
a boy — unless it is for ice cream or soda water. 

If girls become so lost to all sense of their superior 
condition as to hit boys with their hands, they would 
soon descend to striking them with clubs or throwing 
stones, as boys do. Then would follow the habit of 
breaking windows, playing hookey, smoking pipes or 
chewing tobacco, and carrying eighty-five-cent revolvers 
that go off and kill the owner’s mother. 

Imagine a nice-looking girl going around with a 
sling-shot and pegging at Chinks or Ginneys, or breaking 
the glass in street lamps ! Yet these are only natural 
results of a girl’s losing her self-respect. 

A girl who became a fighter, for that is what she 


The Skimolix 


67 


would be, would soon find herself filled with a desire to 
live in a cave; to go unwashed, uncombed, and bare- 
footed; to put nasty, damp, squirming worms on fish- 
hooks, or even to catch eels and remove them from the 
hooks herself with genuine pleasure: and finally she 
would get so depraved that she would actually be proud 
of a black eye, a broken knuckle, or a couple of teeth 
knocked out in a combat with another girl. 

I once knew a girl named Sadie Plunkstein, who 
lived in a village in New Jersey, and who had a little 
blue-eyed brother named Moses. They were orphans. 
One day Moses stepped on her only doll and flattened 
its face out so that it looked like a cake of beeswax. 
Sadie was so angry that she struck her brother a swift 
blow on his little nose and almost broke it off. It was 
bent to one side so that he had to turn his head around 
to see out of his other eye. 

Sadie’s aunt chided her, and warned her that girls 
who strike their little brothers will grow up to have hus- 
bands who will beat them with axe-handles. Sadie said 
she was not afraid. 

“ I’m never going to marry, anyhow,” she added. 
“ I’m going to be a widow and keep school,” and she 
laughed at poor Moses’ bent nose. 

That night, as she was sitting on the porch, all 


68 


The Rambillicus Book 


dressed in white, shoes, stockings and all, and so spick 
and span that she would not even walk on the grass, 
something grabbed her, something flabby and clammy, 
with fuzzy hair all over it. When it seized her she felt 
kind of ticklish, just as you do when you drink apolli- 
naris ; so she could not cry out for help. 

Moses would have seen the Thing get her if he had 
not been so busy rubbing Bunker’s salve on his nose that 
he could not see anything. Perhaps he would not have 
helped her anyway, for he was mad yet, although Sadie 
had given him three cents to stop the pain. 

The Thing that got Sadie was the Tweezer-headed 
Skimolix. 

The Skimolix is very rarely seen, as he attends only 
to girls who abuse their brothers or other boys, and, thank 
goodness, these are not frequent ; but he never fails to 
arrive very soon after he discovers such girls. He can 
scent them from afar. After he grabs one of them in his 
big, hairy, flabby paws and she faints from fright, he 
slowly pulls out, one by one, every hair in her head with 
his pincer-like tweezer nose, and leaves her as bald as 
one of those china dolls you see in the store. 

The longer the hair is the better he likes to pull it 
out, and it hurts awfully ; but the girl cannot cry, be- 
cause she is always so scared. Then, when her head 


The Skimolix 


71 


looks like an eggplant, he gives her a slap on the top of 
it that makes it sing, and, with great leaps and hops, dis- 
appears. He hurries for fear the dogs may come, for 
this animal is very much afraid of dogs, especially pug 
dogs. Even a toy dog or a cast-iron dog on the lawn 
will keep him away. 

He carries the hair he has pulled out to his den and 
weaves it, quite cleverly, into a hair crazy quilt that he 
has been making for many years. In the quilt may be 
seen all kinds of hair : red, golden, black, brown, woolly, 
curly, and straight hair, all from the heads of girls who 
strike their brothers or other boys in anger, and who do 
not know enough to keep at least a toy dog near them 
ever afterward. 

So this is my advice to Samuel : When the girl hits 
you again do not get angry and hot, but take her aside, 
and in simple but forcible language repeat to her what I 
have told you about the cold-blooded, hair-snatching 
Skimolix, and very probably she will buy a dog from you 
at once. The dog you sell her will most likely have fleas. 
These will promptly jump on her, and so she will 
be punished anyway, even if the Skimolix does not get 
her. 








The Prisoners of Candy Island 











Chapter VI 

THE PRISONERS OF CANDY ISLAND 

AST summer I told some children 
a story about the hairy Ultimatum 
and the ring-tailed Hyossimus, the 
animals that get children who are 
lazy and idle, who hate to study, 
and who try to avoid all tasks that 
are given to them. I received so 
many requests by letter to give 
more information about them and their habits that I will 
now tell you all that I have found out about these 
interesting animals. 

After all, very little is known of them, as they 
have never been seen entirely out of the water, except at 
night, when of course you cannot tell just how things 
look. Both are very nasty-looking animals, especially the 
hump-backed, hairy one ; yet the ring-tailed Hyossimus 
is quite hideous enough, being, in fact, more crawly and 
wiggly than the Ultimatum, and, I think, after all, more 

75 



76 


The Rambillicus Book 


frightful. He has eight sets of different kinds of teeth 
and four stomachs. 

Both animals live in the saltiest part of the ocean, 
and while they roam at night in search of idle youngsters, 
they spend the day guarding the Candy Island, where 
such children are taken by them. They swim around the 
island constantly and keep the children from going into 
the water. Both are therefore amphibian creatures, and 
can stay in the water longer than even an Atlantic City 
girl. 

The Hyossimus has to stay in the water all the time, 
but the Ultimatum, having legs, can come out and walk 
around if he wants to, but he seldom does. All their 
time is spent in guarding the island where they have con- 
fined the children. 

This island is made entirely of candy. There are as 
many different kinds of candy there as there are rocks on 
an ordinary island, great hills of chocolate, peppermint, 
wintergreen, or vanilla-flavored sugar-candy being very 
common, while all sorts of shaped masses of caramel or 
cream-candy loom up on every side. Go where you will, 
you see nothing else. There is no sand but white or 
pink sugar, no stones but rock-candy ones, and the whole 
island smells just exactly like a confectioner’s shop. 

There is no water there, but several fountains spout 


77 


Prisoners of Candy Island 

lemonade, ice-cream soda, and root beer all the time. No 
fruit grows on the trees except candied ones or imitations 
of apples, pears, or plums, made of sugar, like everything 
else in the place. 

There is, in fact, nothing sour on the island except 
some lemon-drop pebbles ; all is sweet to the last degree. 
There is no bread, only cake. 

Right in the centre of Candy Island grows a tree 
with a thick trunk and wide-spreading branches, which 
bears large scarlet flowers. Every month these big blos- 
soms turn into balloons, the very same red rubber bal- 
loons that you see sold by Italian gentlemen on the street 
every day. These balloons are fastened to the branches 
by slender threads, and the children who are imprisoned 
on the island amuse themselves by breaking the strings 
and watching the red balloons sail away across the sea. 

After one is taken there he can do just exactly as he 
pleases. He can sleep as long as he wishes in the morn- 
ing, get up and eat his candy breakfast without washing 
his face or neck, or combing his hair, or cleaning his 
teeth, or any of the disagreeable things you all have to 
do on rising on a cold morning. There is not a bathtub 
on the whole island, and no combs ; you never have to 
sit in a barber’s chair and have him cut your hair and 
drop the stray, tickly hairs down your neck. Y ou do not 


78 


The Rambillicus Book 


have to clean your nails at all. Nobody has to take 
nasty medicine, or castor oil. You may tear your 
clothes all you want to ; you need not go to bed until 
you are ready ; in fact, there are no rules of any kind 
except the very bitter one that if you should try to get 
away, you will be eaten at once by the Hyossimus unless 
the Ultimatum gets you first. 

I almost forgot to tell you that right beside the 
balloon tree there lies a pile of school books all covered 
with spiders’ webs, and so dusty that you can scarcely 
read their titles — grammars, histories, arithmetic books, 
geographies, books on anatomy and physics, — all the 
books that you study or will study in school. But none 
of the children on the island ever bothered to look at 
them, so they were buried deeper and deeper in dust and 
cobwebs from month to month. 

Yet, had the children but known it, the secret of 
escaping from the island was contained in more than one 
of those very same books, as you will find. 

The prisoners of the two animals lived where they 
pleased, many of them in regular Robinson Crusoe caves 
in the rock candy, and played at first at being robbers or 
Indians. Others dwelt in tents of striped canvas or in 
the large white and pink taffy palace on the top of Mount 
Nougat. 


79 


Prisoners of Candy Island 

Now in South Forty-sixth Street there lived a boy 
named Howard Tervvilliger, who, as any of the neighbors 
will tell you, was perhaps the laziest boy in town. 

He was one of those boys that learn their lessons 
easily, too, if they want to ; but, like all who learn easily, 
he forgot easily also, and, although he had read about the 
Hyossimus and the Ultimatum in my Natural History, he 
either let it escape from his memory or else he did not 
believe what he had read. 

He would rather swing in the hammock, thinking 
about capturing pirates or being Old Sleuth than learn, 
but even a detective sometimes has a little education, 
though rarely, and he was getting none at all. 

Well, one night he was sitting on the porch, talking 
with Skinny Mepes about going after chestnuts next 
Saturday, when suddenly the Ultimatum appeared, and 
before he could jump up and escape, it had him. He let 
out one awful yell, which his parents heard, but as the 
boys around there were always yelling, they paid no 
attention to it. The Ultimatum carried off Howard with 
lightning speed, and as he was being borne along the boy 
thought of how he had read my warning, and was filled 
with regret that he had not remembered it in time. 

Soon they came to the Atlantic Ocean, and the 
animal plunged in and swam straight to Candy Island. 


8o 


The Rambillicus Book 


As they arrived at the shore the Hyossimus swam up and 
howled with glee, for he saw that Howard was quite a 
big boy, and he expected that he would try to swim 
away from the island, so that he could eat him. 

Howard found ever so many children walking around 
in a sad and weary way, and although they were up so 
late, he saw that none of them looked at all happy. 
They were all very sorry for him, too, which he could not 
understand, for as soon as he found that the island was 
made of candy, he was delighted, and thought that he was 
going to be very happy there. He did not go to bed 
until nearly one o’clock, and when he did, he slept in a 
great chocolate cave that smelt just heavenly. 

When he woke in the morning he was surprised to 
find that there was no coffee or milk or even water to 
drink, and that he had to make his breakfast of candy, 
but as the lemonade was nice, he did not worry. He 
walked all over the island and ate every kind of sweet 
stuff that was to be found, so that he did not think of 
luncheon, or even of dinner. 

None of the children seemed to want to play or sing, 
and he was amazed to think that they did not enjoy life 
on this lovely island at all. They just sat around, and 
some even cried when they thought of home. They ate 
the candy because there was nothing else to eat, but they 


Prisoners of Candy Island 81 

did not eat the fancy kind that he thought was so nice, 
but only peanut-candy, because that had something 
besides sugar in it. 

They were so sick of the stuff that it was all they 
could do to get it down. Some of them were pale, and 
all were very thin, except the newly-arrived ones. Their 
clothes were so torn and mussed up with candy that they 
looked like tramp children ; but they were in too much 
fear of the Hyossimus to take a bath or wash their clothes. 

That night he stayed up late, but it was not so 
pleasant as he had imagined it would be, because it was 
rather dark, and the awful howls and shrieks of the Hy- 
ossimus sounded too near for comfort or peace. Next 
day he sat for awhile on the shore of Lemonade Lake 
and fished for popfish, or “blithers,” which, when they 
are lifted out of the water, go off like bon-bon crackers, 
and nothing is left on your hook but a slight rag of red 
paper. They are just as disappointing, in fact, as every- 
thing else on Candy Island. 

After a few days he found that no matter what 
candy he ate it all tasted alike, and he would have given 
every bit of the island for a slice of bread and butter. 
Several times he went to the shore thinking how easy it 
seemed to swim away ; but, just as he got near, up 
popped the horrid bristly head of the Hyossimus, or the 


82 


The Rambillicus Book 


Ultimatum came up with an awful grunt, and he quickly 
fled into the caramel bushes and hid. 

He was so sick of lemonade that a simple glass of 
water would have filled him with the utmost joy, and the 
smell of the candy dust that he kicked up as he moped 
along almost turned his stomach. 

Now when Howard realized that life on this island 
was not what he had hoped to find it, he did not sit down 
and mope like the other children, but resolved to discover 
something to do to take away the dreadful feeling of en- 
forced idleness, and he soon settled that the school books 
that were piled up under the balloon-tree were the very 
things to do it. 

The balloon-tree was now almost ready to bloom, 
and he decided to read in some of the books in order to 
learn how balloons were made, as well as what it is in 
them that makes them rise in the air. 

When he learned at last how balloons were made 
the tree was quite filled with them, and the children 
wanted to begin picking them to see them drift away over 
the water, but Howard would not allow that. He ap- 
pointed eight boys to guard the tree, for just as soon 
as the children had something forbidden to them they 
were tickled almost to death, it felt so good and 
made them think of home at once, and they yearned 


The Ultimatum Addressing the Hyossimus 


















































































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Prisoners of Candy Island s 3 

to strip the tree as much almost as if it had been an 
apple tree. 

“ What’s the matter with the youngsters ?” asked 
the Hyossimus of the Ultimatum, after a few days. 
“ They do not seem to be picking the balloons at all this 
month.” 

The Ultimatum went on shore and found all the 
children sitting around looking at the tree, guarded by 
the boys, and he saw that they were keeping the balloons 
from them, so he drove them away ; but all the other 
children ran off, too, and while they were hiding in the 
bushes Howard warned them not to touch one balloon, 
when the Ultimatum went back into the sea, or he would 
do things to them that would almost make them wish the 
animal himself had got them. And, as he was a big, 
strong boy, they were afraid he would do it. 

The Ultimatum cannot stay long on shore while the 
sun shines, as it cracks his skin and gives him hives, so he 
scuttled back into the sea pretty soon, but he called out 
to the youngsters, “ Don’t be afraid to amuse yourselves 
with the balloons, children ; they are free to all !” He 
suspected something was up, but he could not tell what 
it was. 

One night when Howard was lying awake thinking 
how he could get away from the island, he suddenly 


8 4 


The Rambillicus Book 


thought of a splendid plan. In the morning he got 
several big boys together and set them to work gathering 
all the soft taffy they could find. He laid out a square 
on the ground, and told them to spread out a thick layer 
of taffy there, which was done. 

So many of the children came and wanted to help 
that there was a big crowd, and the Hyossimus stuck 
his head away up in the air, as he tried to discover what 
was going on, for the children were all giggling. That 
was not natural on Candy Island, and so he was worried. 
He called the Ultimatum, who went ashore to see for 
himself. When he found the children making a big 
house out of taffy, for that is what he thought they were 
doing, he concluded that it was only another attempt of 
theirs to pass away the time, and he went back to the 
Hyossimus, saying : — 

“ Oh, that new boy is just trying to keep from hav- 
ing the blues, that’s all !” 

You see, he did not know that now the children 
were not playing but working, just like grown-up people, 
with an object, and hurrying, too, which always makes 
work pleasanter and the time pass more quickly. In fact, 
they were all so eager and anxious to get the thing fin- 
ished that they worked far into the night, and went to 
bed so tired that they slept like tops. In the morning 


Prisoners of Candy Island 87 

they were all at it again, and the old Hyossimus was 
really worried, for he felt in his bones that something 
was going to happen, but the Ultimatum just laughed 
at him. 

The Hyossimus was right, however. Now the walls 
of the house, as the Ultimatum called it, were about five 
feet high, and the Ultimatum thought the children would 
put a roof on it, and when it was finished knock it all 
down ; but as he watched them he saw that they made a 
lot of holes all along the top of the walls and wound 
grass over the edges so as to make them stronger. This, 
he thought, was to fasten the roof with, and as it was get- 
ting dark he started off to find more children, leaving the 
Hyossimus on guard scratching his scaly head and fidg- 
eting a good deal. 

When the house was finished, Howard told the 
children to stand around and take hold of the bottom 
and lift it. They all got up close, and putting hands 
beneath its floor, lifted with all their might, and to their 
surprise up it came quite easily, for it was as light as 
taffy always is. 

Then each boy and girl climbed up into the balloon- 
tree, and, selecting a balloon with a very long, tough 
string, broke it off close to the branch. They took the 
very biggest balloons that they could find, as Howard 


88 


The Rambillicus Book 


directed, and came down to the ground and waited for 
further orders from the president. He tied the balloons 
in the holes along the top wall of the house or box, and 
sent for more. When they came he tied them all together 
in a big bunch, which it took three boys to keep from 
sailing away at once. 

“Now,” said Howard, “when I whistle, all of you 
climb into the taffy car, but don’t crowd and don’t kick 
against the sides.” 

Then he whistled and they all climbed in quickly, 
and one girl said it was just like the animals going into 
the ark. All were in but the boys who held the big 
bunch of balloons, and then they jumped in. Howard 
had expected that the car would rise as soon as they 
entered it with the extra balloons, but it did not ; so he 
tied these along the side also, and then hurried ten or a 
dozen boys up the tree after more. 

Just as soon as these were fastened, up went the car 
like a thistle-bloom and Howard himself was almost left 
behind ! He just managed to grab the edge, and the 
boys seized his coat and pulled him over the side into 
the car. Up they rose and away they sailed. The 
moment they got up in the air they heard an awful roar. 
This was old Hyossimus coming up after a dive and 
seeing them leaving. 


The Escape of the Prisoners of Candy Island 










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9 1 


Prisoners of Candy Island 

Another terrible roar soon followed from the Hump- 
backed Ultimatum, who had just returned. Both of them 
lashed the sea into a perfect lather of froth as they 
squirmed and bellowed and lifted their long necks till 
they were strained in the endeavor to get at the escaping 
children as they rose higher and higher into the air and 
sailed farther and farther away from Candy Island. The 
animals followed them along the water until they rose up 
above the clouds, and then they lost them because the 
wind changed and carried them over across Europe, Asia, 
and America. They saw a lot of the world and were 
always afterward very much interested in geography, 
because, you see, they knew more about the world than 
even their teacher. 

When they got over his town Howard began to cut 
the strings that held the balloons, and they sank down to 
the ground very easily and nicely, landing right in a foot- 
ball lot. It did not take long for them to get to their 
homes, I can assure you. 

All the people who know them now will tell you that 
they never saw such children for studying and working as 
these, and even school-teachers will admit that no better 
children can be found anywhere than these who were once 
prisoners on Candy Island. 

But none of them, forever afterward, would touch a 


92 


The Rambillicus Book 


bit of candy or lemonade, and they always shuddered 
when they passed a confectioner’s and smelt the smell of 
sugar cooking, although in the end they had really been 
saved by taffy. 


The Warty Proletariat 








Chapter FI I 

THE WARTY PROLETARIAT 

NGDON RITTENHOUSE 
COBB had been invited by an- 
other boy to go chestnutting, and, 
contrary to the other boy’s advice, 
asked his mother for permission. 
She inquired : — 

“What is this boy’s name?” 

“ Red-eye Skaggs,” answered 

Langdon. 

Whereupon his mother instantly said he could not 
go, and he realized for the first time what there is in a 
name, for, if he had said Percival Reginald Skaggs, 
which is “Red-eye’s” real name, she would have given 
permission at once. 

Langdon was very angry with his mother, and was 
sorry she had ever married into their family. He wished 
that he were an orphan, with no parents to boss him 
around and make him mind and keep him from having 
95 



9 6 


The Rambillicus Book 


any fun at all, and he sat in the woodshed for two hours 
thinking all sorts of mean thinks about her ; but she 
never knew it, because she had a dressmaker in the 
house, and had to be fitted every twenty minutes. 

After a while he determined to go after chestnuts 
without her permission, and he told Red-eye of his 
decision. 

44 I dare you to !” said Red-eye. 

This was just what Langdon wanted, for where these 
boys live, if a boy dares another to do a thing, and he 
is hurt or anything bad happens, the boy who dared 
him to do it is supposed to be responsible, and not the 
boy who took the dare. Langdon thought that if they 
met any animals in the woods they would take Percival, 
and not himself, so away they went. 

They walked for many miles and went through 
every wood they saw, but could not find any nuts until 
they came to Hooley’s Grove, a dark and dangerous 
forest far up the river. 

They did not know its terrors, but Langdon read a 
sign on a tree, which said 

44 NO TRESPASSING HERE,” 

and he hesitated about climbing the fence. Red-eye 
laughed and said : 44 Oh ! Who cares for their old signs?” 


97 


The Warty Proletariat 

They went into the forest and found loads of hickory, 
pecan, pea, hazel, beech, wal-, chest- and butter nuts — in 
fact, nuts of every known variety lay around on the 
ground as if they were not worth a cent to anybody. 
The boys simply filled their trousers from knee to waist- 
band with them, until they could hardly walk along. 

“ Let’s get away now,” said Langdon. “We have 
enough.” But Red-eye was not satisfied, and tied his 
sleeves up, so that he could fill his jacket, too. 

Neither of them had noticed about a dozen queer 
little animals, not bigger than squirrels, that ran around 
in the bushes near them, peeped out at them and then 
scampered away. 

These were Spinks, sharp-eyed little creatures like 
weasels, which watch out for boys in this forest and 
then wake up the Ramphorillus Sylvosauricuss, otherwise 
known as the warty, bald-headed Proletariat, a dreadful 
animal, which lives in a cave in the rocks. The Spinks are 
in this respect precisely like the “Pilot-fish” which swims 
ahead of the shark and tells him where there is food. 

If Langdon or Percival had taken care to read the 
sign on the tree, they would have learned about the 
Proletariat ; but neither of them liked to spell out long 
words, and so they were ignorant of his existence. 
Before they were half out of the woods the grewsome 


9 8 


The Rambillicus Book 


and ferocious beast had been waked up by the Spinks 
and was being guided by them on the trail of the 
boys. 

The Proletariat was in such a hurry that he forgot 
to take his umbrella, for there is one funny thing about 
this animal — he cannot bear the least touch of water on 
his back. 

It makes his warts itch so dreadfully that he can do 
nothing but scratch against the rough shagbark hickory 
trees. This fact saved both lads from an awful fate. 

They heard the Proletariat crashing through the 
bushes, bellowing, growling, and roaring, while the little 
Spinks squeaked shrilly as they steered him along. 

Both boys ran with all their might, but they could 
not run fast with so many nuts to carry along. They 
lost their way in a minute, and went tumbling over rocks, 
losing their new hats, tearing their clothes, and getting 
stone bruises and sore knees every moment. But run as 
fast as they could, the Proletariat kept close behind. He 
knew that he would soon tire them out, so he did not 
hurry enough to spoil his appetite. 

Up and down hill they went, wild with terror, the 
Spinks running close behind them. They could feel 
the hot breath of the Proletariat on their backs, like 
steam from a boiler, when they rushed headlong into a 


99 


The Warty Proletariat 

narrow valley with high rocky sides. They ran down 
this valley and thus were trapped, for there was no way 
out, and pretty soon it became so narrow that it was a 
mere crack in which they tried to hide. 

Although the Proletariat, when he caught up to them, 
could not get his big body in, he could thrust his head in 
a long way and almost, but not quite reach them ; so 
he began to lift away the stones at the entrance with his 
great lobster-like front claws. 

The boys saw that in a few minutes he would get 
them, and they began to cry and call for help, but there 
was no help near. The Proletariat was greatly pleased, 
for it was just what he needed to make him really hungry, 
and he hurried with the stones, tossing them behind him 
in heaps, while the Spinks danced around gleefully, for 
they knew they were going to have some raw boy for 
dinner. 

But, luckily for the boys, who were now almost dead 
from fright, it suddenly began to rain just as the grew- 
some beast opened his mouth to grab Langdon. The 
Proletariat wriggled all over, just as if he had new under- 
clothes on, for he knew he had to stop and scratch, but 
he called out : “ Here, I’ve got you ; so come out peace- 
ably and let me eat you for stealing my nuts.” 

Langdon shrank farther back. “ Red-eye dared 


IL.oFC. 


IOO 


The Rambillicus Book 


me to do it,” he cried, trying meanly to put the blame on 
Percival. “ Eat him first !” 

“All right,” said the Proletariat. “If he dared you 
then he’s to blame for it. Let him come forth and be 
eaten first !” He stepped back, for he was itching so 
awfully he just could not wait another minute, although 
he tried hard, but Red-eye could not move, he was so 
paralyzed with terror. 

“Come, come, I’m in a hurry!” cried the beast as 
the rain began to pour down in torrents. The boys only 
pushed back harder, as if they wanted to push right 
through the rocks. Then, suddenly, with an awful wrig- 
gle, and all humped up, the Proletariat rushed away, 
seeking for a shagbark hickory tree. He was followed 
by the Spinks, who all looked much chop-fallen and dis- 
appointed, as they saw that it was going to rain all 
night. 

As soon as the beast disappeared, the boys ran up 
the valley and over the hill, and somehow found their 
way to the fence just where they had entered, and there 
was the sign. 

“ I’ll always read those things after this,” said 
Langdon. 

“So will I,” said Percival, “and if there are words 
on them that are too big to spell I’ll keep out, you bet.” 


Come, Come, I’m in a Hurry 











































































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io3 


The Warty Proletariat 

So they went home in rags and tatters and covered 
with sore spots and bruises ; but they were nothing to 
the sore spots they had after their mothers had gotten 
through with them that evening. Yet sore as they were, 
they were satisfied whenever they thought of the awful 
jaws of the hideous, warty Ramphorillus, so close to their 
faces in the narrow cleft of rock. 






The 

Facts About the Collywobbicolon 



Chapter VIII 

THE FACTS ABOUT THE COLLYWOBBICOLON 
HE time has come for me to tell 



all boys and girls who attend 
school, about an animal, or a 
vegetable, for no one really 
knows which it is, that is now 
growing to maturity in the 
woods. Perhaps, if it is really 
a plant, I should say it is now 
ripening. 


Neither the animal nor vegetable kingdom possesses 
another such remarkable creature as the Collywobbicolon 
Fistifungus. It is one of the fungoids. Perhaps you 
do not know what a fungus is. Fungi grow in all sorts 
of queer places, and are found even in business offices, 
schools, and churches, but generally they are to be 
observed in the woods and fields. 

The toadstool is a fungus — and like a toadstool the 
Collywobbicolon grows up in a night from a small fuzzy 
ball on a stalk to a great hideous creature whose sole de- 


107 


io8 The Rambillicus Book 


light is to catch and devour boys who play hookey. As I 
have never heard of girls who play hookey, I imagine the 
Collywobbicolon has never tasted girl meat ; but perhaps 
once in a while he may have done so as a sort of treat to 
himself. He grows at the edge of the forest and away in 
its depths ; places beside swimming pools and apple 
orchards are especially likely to be selected by him as a 
residence. 

To the ordinary boy, wandering around full of glee 
at the thought that he has avoided his lessons, this 
dreadful fungoid appears as an ordinary tree trunk and 
would not be distinguished from any other tree. All the 
long, rubber-like tentacles hang twisted about the trunk, 
with the big, heavy hands hidden in the grass ; but, as 
the unfortunate truant approaches, the slender arms un- 
twine, the Collywobbicolon lets out a terrific yell that 
paralyzes the poor boy, and the hands grab him. 

Some of the hands get him by the hair, others by 
his legs, in spite of his kicks, and others by the seat of 
his trousers, and then the hands with the big gloves and 
the clubs, just pound him to death in a jiffy. 

After the Collywobbicolon has let him hang on one 
of his horns awhile he eats him very slowly, with an ex- 
pression of intense enjoyment on his open countenance. 
Sometimes he catches two or three boys at once, and he 


The Collyvvobbicolon and the Boys Who Played Hookey 













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About the Colly wobbicolon m 

saves the extra boy for the young Collywobbicolons to 
eat, for there are always one or two new ones that grow 
up every night, with appetites as big as the older ones. 

In the picture you can see the young ones just 
coming up out of the grass, but not strong enough yet to 
do business. If the full-grown Collywobbicolon does not 
get any boys to eat, he turns a pale blue color, shrinks 
up, and finally withers away, leaving a small round thing 
sticking up out of the ground, which some people call a 
“ puff ball,” not knowing what it really is. You may 
have seen them, and have probably opened one and 
found it full of gray dust. If you should find buttons or 
marbles in one, you will know it is all that is left of a 
Collywobbicolon and his prey, a boy who played hookey 
and whose parents are, perhaps, wondering where he is 
and why he does not come home. 

I say, perhaps, because, after all, I guess parents 
whose children play hookey do not care much if the awful 
beast does get them. I know I should not. In fact, I 
think I should be glad if I had a boy who did it and the 
Collywobbicolon got him, for a boy who plays hookey will 
come to a bad end anyway. 

Most boys whom I knew when I was little, who 
avoided school on every possible, occasion, and who 
escaped the dreadful fungus, grew to be railroad wreckers, 


I 12 


The Rambillicus Book 


spell-binders, actors, poets, or editors of comic papers, 
and most of them have many times, no doubt, as well as 
their friends, wished that the creature had got them and 
saved them and others all the trouble they have caused. 

The Collywobbicolon is especially fond of the flavor 
of a boy who plays hookey and smokes cigarettes. He 
will make a terrific effort to catch such a boy, almost 
pulling himself up by the roots to get at him. In fact, 
more than one has strained himself by his efforts to seize 
a cigarette-tainted boy, and withered away very quickly. 

If I knew any boy, but I do not, who smoked or 
played hookey, I should advise him never to go out of his 
own street, as he would be morally certain to discover 
how it felt to be pinched by a Collywobbicolon Fisti- 
fungus. 


How the Dancing Brannigan was 

Outwitted 







Chapter IX 

HOW THE DANCING BRANNIGAN WAS 
OUTWITTED 



MET a very interesting little boy 
named Horatio Hoskins yes- 
terday. Horatio used to earn 
his living by selling lead pen- 
cils to the sailors along the 
river front before he had his 
now celebrated encounter with 
the dancing Brannigan, of the 


Squaukum Mountains. 

Sailors, you know, can never keep lead pencils. 
They lose them overboard as they reach out to fix the 
sails, and as they always came to Horatio to buy new 
ones, he made quite a good living. Often he had as 
much as eight dollars in the bank, besides what he had 
in his pocket. 

So he liked sailors very much, but not for the money 
they paid him. No ; he liked them most because they 
told him of the wonderful animals and things they saw 


”5 



The Rambillicus Book 


1 16 

in far-away lands, things that he wished he could see 
himself and tackle with a gun. 

One day a sailor told him about the dancing Bran- 
nigan. This is a very peculiar animal, that cannot hear 
music of any sort without dancing as long as the music 
plays, and then he eats up the musician. The sailor did 
not know where the animal lived, and so when Horatio 
went to his home — he lived with Mr. Casey, the street 
cleaning inspector of the Twenty-sixth ward — he asked 
Mr. Casey if he had ever seen a Brannigan. 

“ Indade, I have, an’ often,” replied Mr. Casey; 
“an’, plase God, I hope to see many another wan 
before I die.” 

“ Not while I live wid yees,” interposed Mrs. Casey, 
in a firm tone, which convinced Horatio that she was 
afraid of the beast. 

“ Where can he be seen ?” asked Horatio, and then 
he told Mr. Casey what the sailor had related to him. 

“I know all about him,” said Mrs. Casey. “You 
draw a bee-line on the map, and mark off twenty-one 
and three-quarter miles, and you’ll see the Squaukum 
Mountains, so called from an Indian chief who was 
going home one night carrying a heavy load, and fell 
from the top to the bottom without hurting himself at 
all. There, in a cave, lives the Brannigan, and a terrible 


The Brannigan Outwitted 117 

great beast he is, indade. That’s all I know about 
him.” 

So Horatio wrote me a letter, and I told him what 
was known about the animal, and drew him a life-like 
picture of the creature. The Brannigan was a very old 
beast, having lived in the Squaukum Mountains hun- 
dreds of years. He fed on fat little girls only, boys 
giving him dyspepsia and colic. He kept the girls in 
cages, hanging up in trees, and he fed them on fresh- 
baked pie, cake, chocolate eclairs, and caramels, till they 
got fat enough for him to eat. And how do you suppose 
he got the pies and cakes ? From the dear, tender- 
hearted Benevolent Rambillicus ! 

Every day he would pull a long face and go crying 
to Rambillicus, and say his young ones were starving to 
death, and kind Rambillicus would just dump out a load 
of fresh pies and things, with tears of pity for the little 
Brannigans rolling down his cheeks. Then the Bran- 
nigan, concealing his glee, would wipe his eyes with 
his bushy tail and take the things to the girls in the 
cages. 

Besides these girls he had a princess, who was the 
daughter of the King of Gesundheit-Kartofflesalat, in 
Silesia, confined in the cave, and he kept her under 
the influence of poppy seeds, so that she slept all the 


The Rambillicus Book 


1 18 

time. She was covered with diamonds and rubies, and 
whole wagonloads of gold dollars in kegs were stored 
there, too. 

Many young men had tried to rescue the princess, 
but they were all eaten up by the Brannigan. They 
would go out there with all sorts of musical instruments 
— cornets, fiddles, and even jewsharps, and try to make 
the Brannigan dance himself to death, but they always 
grew tired first, and then he got them. After a while 
nobody went, and the people forgot all about the captive 
princess. 

Now, when Horatio received my letter he thought 
and thought, and then he went out and made arrange- 
ments to go and rescue the poor girl. In a few days he 
was ready, and he took an early trolley car out to the 
Squaukum Mountains. He carried with him a big bun- 
dle covered with green oilcloth, which was very heavy, 
and it was hard work to carry it up the mountains. 

Perhaps he never would have got it all the way up, 
but the Brannigan saw him from the top and came hop- 
ping and skipping down to meet him. When he saw 
him coming Horatio took the oilcloth off his bundle, and 
the Brannigan saw that it was an organ. Horatio started 
a tune right off before the beast came near, and it began 
to dance at once, very much delighted. 


The Brannigan Doing the Ragtime Dance 










































I 2 I 


The Brannigan Outwitted 

“ It’s a long time since I’ve had any music,'' said 
the Brannigan, “and I suppose there are lots of new 
tunes out that I have never heard.” 

“I’ll give you all of them,” said Horatio, smiling. 

“But say,” said the beast, “you are not doing any- 
thing yourself ! All the other musicians always played 
on their instruments and got tired out !” 

“Ah,” replied Horatio, “so they did, and you ate 
them, but this is an electric auto-organ, and will run for 
several weeks.” 

“Dear me !” cried the Brannigan, dancing like mad, 
for the organ played only rag-time tunes, “I’ll never 
last several weeks !” 

“ I hope not,” answered Horatio, making the machine 
go faster. “I expect to be home with the princess in a 
couple of days, at least.” 

“ It’s not fair,” the beast yelled. “ It’s a shame to 
play such a trick on me. Slow up, just for a little while, 
until I get my breath 1” 

“ Not for a minute,” Horatio replied. “Instead, I’ll 
give you a nice, fast cakewalk tune.” This he did, and 
the Brannigan danced wildly and as if in great pain, for 
he saw that his end was near. 

He did not enjoy it a bit as he realized that the 
electric machine could not get tired, but he just had to 


122 


The Rambillicus Book 


dance, of course, and could not stop. He danced all 
day, while Horatio just sat around in the grass and took 
it easy. When night came the Brannigan was very tired, 
and begged him to stop the machine and let him get 
some sleep, but Horatio never let on that he even heard 
him. 

When it got dark he began to be sleepy, and he laid 
himself down beside his electric organ and slept till 
morning. He woke up at sunrise, and there was the 
Brannigan dancing away, with an expression of great 
pain on his ugly face. 

Horatio made a breakfast of doughnuts, milk, and 
pickles, of which he had a good, big supply, and just 
waited. The beast began to totter before noon came, 
and was hardly able to dance at all. He just walked 
around and waved his front legs in a feeble way, and 
finally, at lunch time, he fell over on his back. He could 
dance no longer, but as the organ kept right on he had 
to lie there and kick with his hind legs just the same. 

Horatio knew that he was done for, so he went to 
the top of the mountains, and, seeing the girls in the 
cages, he let them out. They all went down with glad 
cries of joy and stuck hat pins in the Brannigan. 

Then Horatio went into the cave, and there lay the 
beautiful princess asleep on a divan. He gave her a 


The Brannigan Outwitted 123 

nice kiss, and she woke up and said, “Where am I? 
What am I doing here ?” 

Horatio told her what had happened; that the Bran- 
nigan was almost dead, and that she was to go away 
with him and marry him and live happy ever after. So 
she rose, gave him her hand, and they went down the 
mountains. 

They found that the dreadful Brannigan had just 
died, sure enough, so they all took the next car and 
went home, the little girls to their own houses and the 
princess and Horatio to the minister’s, and then to the 
bank, where they put all the gold dollars. 

And now Horatio does not have to sell pencils, but 
he and the princess spend their whole time sailing in 
boats, riding on the scenic railway and merry-go-rounds, 
and shooting the chutes. They have lots of camels and 
elephants to ride on, and they have ice-cream at every 
meal. 







The Boy Wizard and How the 
Quilted Polyzoodle Died 



































































































































































































































































































Chapter X 

THE BOY WIZARD AND HOW THE QUILTED 
POLYZOODLE DIED 

NCE there was a boy in Ger- 
manville who was a Wizard 
and did not know it. He was 
wizarding (or wizzing, which- 
ever it is,) day and night, but 
nobody suspected him, but 
supposed he had a lucky 
penny or a horseshoe or a 
rabbit’s foot or something like that which did it. He 
was so lucky that sometimes he thought it was some sort 
of disease. 

He could learn a lesson by just reading it over 
quickly once, and they had to invent a new percentage 
for marking his papers at school, as ioo was not 
enough to show how smart he was. If he went fishing, 
he could catch fish without any bait. If the wind blew 
his hat off, for instance, he did not have to run after it. 

127 



128 


The Rambillicus Book 


It would circle around, and after it had had its fun as hats 
do, only it did not roll into every puddle, it would just 
return and flop down on his head. He never had to go 
to the barber to get his hair cut, and itch and wriggle all 
day long afterward from the hair the barber had dropped 
down his neck. No, indeed ; he would just wish and 
his hair instantly was as short as he wanted it. 

He could stop a trolley anywhere by just holding 
up a finger and it could not go past him. If it was 
going too slowly to suit him when he was on it, he would 
say, “ Chk — chk — chk,” and it would simply scoot, and 
the motorman could not stop it until Erasmus said so. 
He made apples and chestnuts fall off the trees right 
into his basket and the basket would take them home 
itself. If he wanted ice cream, candy, or pie, he would 
say, “ Hackamo — animo — monakike,” and it stood before 
him. 

One time there was to be a big parade and Erasmus’s 
father was to ride on a horse at the head of it. It began 
to rain, and the committee called on Erasmus, and he 
stopped the rain, keeping it away until all the people got 
home ; so they gave him a gold medal. 

Another time there was an awful fire in the avenue, 
and lots of people were in danger on the fourth floor of 
the building. He told the firemen to squirt the water up 


How the Polyzoodle Died 129 

there and then he said something quick and loud. The 
stream of water instantly froze solid, although it was a 
warm summer night, and all the people slid down on it 
to the sidewalk, and nobody was even singed. They all 
said it was fun. 

He could have made lots of money, but he did not 
need it, because, when he was twelve years old, he found 
a pocketbook in front of his house with over two million 
dollars in it. Nobody ever claimed it, and so he had 
enough to keep the wolf from the door without working ; 
but, of course, being a wizard, he could have had a mil- 
lion millions if he had wanted it, but money was no 
object to him. If another boy wanted some money, he 
would hand him ten thousand dollars, and to girls he 
would give sometimes fifty thousand — if they were 
poor — yes, and more if they needed it. He was kind 
to girls. 

Well, one day, he was thinking it all over, and he 
began to worry because he was not like other boys, and 
people were afraid of him, especially candidates, clair- 
voyants, real estate agents, and criminals generally. So 
he went to see the family doctor. The doctor was a nice 
man, but he was kind of sore on Erasmus because none 
of his family had ever been sick since he was born. 

He asked a lot of questions, and then he told Eras- 


130 


The Rambillicus Book 


mus that he was a wizard. Erasmus was frightened at 
first, but when the doctor said it was not dangerous he 
asked him what to do for it. 

Doctor Bunyon gave him lots of good advice and 
he felt better. The doctor felt good, too, for just as soon 
as Erasmus came the office filled up with new patients, 
and he knew that Erasmus had done it. He told Eras- 
mus not to waste his time fooling around with trifles like 
pie or trolleys, but to use his powers as a Wizard to the 
advantage of mankind. 

“Do something,” he said, “something great and 
noble, so that when you are gone people will not forget 
you, but will revere and cherish your memory.” 

“What shall I do?” asked Erasmus. 

“ Well — let’s see !” — mused Doctor Bunyon. “Ah ! 
I have it. Go and subdue the Quilted Polyzoodle ! 
That would, indeed, be a feat, and one that only a real 
Wizard could accomplish.” 

“Where is the Zollypoodle ?” asked Erasmus. 

“ The Polyzoodle,” corrected the doctor. “ He is a 
creature that dwells in the Ramgunga Mountains in 
India. He is a malarious, oviparous, indigenous, non- 
gregarious and pestiferous beast, which destroys parents, 
children, cattle, crops, and even dwellings on the rare 
occasions when he is abroad. 


How the Polyzoodle Died 131 

“ He is not bad-humored generally, being, in fact, a 
relative of the Benevolent Rambillicus, but at times he 
is very fierce and dangerous. He ought to be subdued 
and confined by some able Wizard, so that he can never 
do any more damage.” 

“ I’ll do it !” cried Erasmus, and immediately wished 
he were in India. In another moment he found himself 
on the top of a high hill overlooking the village of 
Ramayanapundass, and before him stood an awful beast, 
grinning at him. The beast said : 

“ And who, pray, are you in the foreign clothes ?” 

“ I am the Wizard Keating from Germanville,” 
replied Erasmus, “ and I’ve come here to subdue 
you.” 

The Polyzoodle’s jaw fell ; he began to tremble all 
over and to wring his hands. For a minute he could not 
speak, then he whimpered, in a very weak voice : — 

“ I can’t be subdued — you know the rules — unless 
you give me a puzzle or something that I can't under- 
stand and answer!” 

“Nonsense!” answered Erasmus. “Those rules 
were amended and then abolished ages ago. However, 
just to please you, as well as myself, I’ll recite a little 
poem (you may call it a spell if you wish, for I found it 
hard spelling on some of the words), but I shan’t expect 


132 The Rambillicus Book 

you to answer it. It is called ‘ The Paraspulee of the 
Dink/ ” 

Then Erasmus recited the following lines in a loud, 
firm voice, the Polyzoodle standing by the rock in a 
listening attitude and paying great attention : — 

The Skaneateles glowered on the mountain side, 

And Schenectadyed over the glimpered dale. „ 

Schoharie was he, and the Ramapo shied 
As it brushed off a Tenafly with its long tail. 

The Skaneateles wept as he thought of the time, 

When, caged in town, he Schrooned the throng ; 

Watsessing there at the cost of a dime, 

And gazed at by gawks the whole day long. 

“ My heart,” honked he, “is full of Passaic, 

And, though, like the Schodack, I still am free, 

I sometimes think I made a mistake 
That day I seized the chance to flee. 

Yonder I see the Oconomowoc 
Shenangoing with a Kalamazoo, 

And overhead I see a whole flock 
Of Islips, gimpling the sky so blue.” 

“ Patchogued be he,” he firmly sighed, 

“Who can’t Cohoes to be content ! 

I’ll Mayopac my sinful pride, 

Nor think my Hoosac life misspent; 

I'm Moodus when my tail is sore/’ 

He said, and arched his graily back. 


Erasmus Recites his Poem to the Quilted Polyzoodle 





































































































































i35 


How the Polyzoodle Died 

“ I will not be myself no more 
Until I get my Merrimac ! 

Secaucus, bless his little heart ! 

Is gargling by the waterfall, 

Nahant the sky from all apart 
Oswego merrily one and all.” 

He stopped just there, for the Polyzoodle, who had 
been weeping silently, but quite bitterly, for some time, 
now gave a faint, sickly squeak, and suddenly flopped 
over on his back. 

Erasmus ran to him, but it was too late. Instead of 
subduing him, the poem had killed the poor beast. He 
expired even while Erasmus was feeling his pulse, and 
yet he did not wish him alive again, for after all he felt 
that it was for the best. 

But he never recited the poem any more, for he 
found that even a Wizard cannot monkey with such 
things and keep his friends. 




































































































































K 










































































































































































The Ticklish Snollygaster and the 

Penultimate 






Chapter XT 

THE TICKLISH SNOLLYGASTER AND THE 
PENULTIMATE 

N my mail one morning, I found 
this letter : 

My Dear Mr. McDougall : 

Will you please tell me 
what happins to chilldrun wen 
they loose there school books ? 
My mother told me to ask you. 
Your frend, 

Bertha Podsnap. 

I am glad that Bertha has asked this question, for 
otherwise, I would certainly have overlooked a very 
important animal, and lost an opportunity of warning 
my little friends who are in the habit of going out into 
the woods or of walking along river banks. 

The children who carelessly lose their school books, 
and also, I may add, those boys who go in swimming 
without their parents’ consent, are in imminent danger of 
139 



140 


The Rambillicus Book 


being caught by the Snollygaster. This is as true as 
anything I have told you about heretofore. 

The Ticklish Snollygaster, whose photograph you 
here see, is an animal closely related to the Hankiporius, 
but is far more annoying to children. He haunts the 
woods and ravines near to country schoolhouses, and 
dark alleys and cellars in the suburbs of cities, rarely 
reaching the centre of town, so those who live there can 
generally mislay their school books without fear of his 
getting them. 

He is a hairy beast, with a long, elastic neck, which 
he can stretch out for a great distance like a telescope. 
He has a long lower lip, or beak, of gutta-percha, hard 
as horn, and when you try to run away from him, he 
sticks it between your ankles, trips you up, and jumps on 
your back. You are gone then, unless you know one 
thing, and that is, that the Snollygaster is the most tick- 
lish thing on earth. 

If you keep your presence of mind and remember 
that he is ticklish, you are quite safe, for he does not 
proceed to eat you right away, but likes to look 
at you awhile and frighten you with his big eyes. 
If you begin to tickle him softly, he just laughs and 
lets go a little ; and, as you keep on tickling, he 
wiggles and twists, snorts, squeals, and kicks till the 


The Ticklish Snollygaster and the Penultimate 










































































































The Ticklish Snollygaster 143 

tears roll down his beak, gasping for breath all the 
time. 

You must keep on tickling him all the time, until at 
last he just squeaks a little, rolls over on his back and 
dies. You must not stop a moment, or he will get his 
second wind, as they call it. The second wind, you see, 
lasts a good deal longer than the first, so it would take 
you much longer to tickle him to death a second time, if 
you allow him to get it. 

Never try to run away from the Snollygaster, for he 
can take such enormous leaps that no boy, even on a 
bicycle, could escape him, and he might hurt you with his 
claws if he grabbed you suddenly ; but, if you have lost 
your books and are looking for them, just face him and 
proceed to tickle, that is all. 

Some people say that playing on a mouth organ, 
or even a tin whistle, will charm him and make him 
release you, but I doubt it. I know that the sound of a 
fiddle makes him wriggle as if with delight, but I am not 
sure that it has the same effect as a good tickling. 

He eats only the skin of boys and girls, and then 
lets them go, but there is not much fun in going around 
without any skin, even in hot weather. Of course, you 
know, he does not feed on children entirely ; they are just 
dessert for him. 


144 


The Rambillicus Book 


His usual food is Gewgaws, which grow on the roots 
of the Winkberry bush, and also Clapperclaw birds, 
which feed on Gewgaws, too. You know what a Clap- 
perclaw is ? No ? Well, it is a queer bird that mostly 
dwells in fields of Wauzoo corn, where it builds nests 
entirely made of old newspapers. Yet they do not lay 
eggs in these nests, but drop their eggs, which are shaped 
like lozenges, only larger, on the tin roofs of houses, 
where the hot sun hatches them out. They pop open 
like fire-crackers. You may have heard them pop, and 
not have known, I suppose, what caused the noise. 

These birds fly only at night, and they have no 
feathers except in their tails. They are covered with hard, 
horny scales, like a crab or alligator, and their wings are 
very stiff and brittle, like tortoise shell. 

The Snollygaster eats these birds, yet they are un- 
doubtedly his best friends, as they warn him against the 
secret approach of his deadliest enemy, the Penultimate, 
making a terrific, rattling noise by striking their wings 
together. 

The Penultimate is a dear little thing, and if it could 
be tamed would be a lovely pet. It just hates all Snolly- 
gasters, and pursues them to the bitter end. Tracking 
him down with untiring zeal, it overtakes the great 
creature, perhaps in the deepest jungle, and rushing up 


The Ticklish Snollygaster 145 

under his great, hairy body, he begins to tickle him with 
his long, tufted tail, making him instantly powerless and 
throwing him into convulsion after convulsion of mirth, 
until suddenly he topples over, when the Penultimate 
climbs on top of his dead body and squeals loudly for 
joy. Soon other Penultimates arrive, and they proceed 
to eat the Snollygaster, so that is the last of him. 

I may say, in conclusion, that the Snollygaster is 
very much afraid of a looking-glass (I do not blame 
him), and also that the very smell of an onion gives him 
an attack of hysterics that makes him very weak. If 
you ever want to capture one alive, take a whole basket 
of onions and a cage forty feet long, go into the woods, 
walk till you find him, and, with no trouble at all, you can 
catch him if you can only overtake him and get him to 
smell the onions. 

























































































































































































































































































































































































































Luther Knocksmith’s Experiment 








\ 



Chapter XII 

LUTHER KNOCKSMITH’S EXPERIMENT 

JPPOSE that every boy and girl 
who has visited the Zoo lately has 
noticed the high board fence that 
encloses so large a space on the 
west lawn, a fence that is so high 
and built so tightly that there is 
not even a knot-hole left through 
which to peek, and I suspect that 
even old folks, who never rubber, 
have more than once tried to guess why the fence is so 
high and tight, and why no one is allowed to go behind 
it and see what is going on there. 

There is a boy living on Forty-sixth Street named 
Luther Calvin Knocksmith. Luther is about fifteen years 
old now, but already he is as great and as successful as 
Mrs. Winslow at one hundred years of age ; for Luther 
has done something that no one ever did before, 
and that is success, whether you invent a name for 
149 



i5o 


The Rambillicus Book 


a cigar or break the record with a nasty-smelling 
automobile. 

The reason that Luther became so great is because 
he had an observing mind, for no matter what he saw, he 
wanted to find out all about it at once, and learn just what 
made it do things. 

One day, when he was about twelve years old, his 
grandfather took him out to Pottsville, and they walked 
through the beautiful apple and pear orchards of that 
lovely village. Everybody raises apples, pears, or some 
such luscious fruit in Pottsville, and all the people are 
interested in seeing who can raise the biggest specimens. 
On the Jimnogle farm Luther saw something very won- 
derful, indeed, and something which he could not in the 
least understand. 

There on the trees were growing apples, and pears 
also, good big ones, too, that were shaped like inkstands, 
bottles, tomato-cans, and lamp-chimneys. Luther rubbed 
his eyes, for he thought he was dreaming, but there they 
were still, hanging from the branches, sweet and luscious, 
although so queerly shaped. He felt one or two, but his 
grandfather, who was just as surprised as Luther was, 
said : 

“ Don’t pick them ; they are certainly fairy apples 1” 

Now Luther did not think fairies were bothering 


Luther’s Experiment 151 

about changing apples when they have so much to do 
looking after children these days, and so he was not 
afraid ; but, of course, as he is a good boy, he would not 
think of taking an apple without permission, so he waited 
until Mr. Jimnogle came, and then asked him for one of 
the apples. 

Even then he hardly believed that such a strangely- 
shaped apple could be good to eat, but he soon found 
that they tasted just like any other fruit. Nothing was 
different except the shape. 

Then, of course, he wanted to know what made 
them grow in that manner. At first, just to tease him, 
Mr. Jimnogle told him that it was their natural manner 
of growing, but somehow Luther could not believe it, 
and so Mr. Jimnogle told him how it was done. 

When the apples are very, very small, hardly, in 
fact, any bigger than the blossoms, a bottle is hung on a 
branch of the tree, so that the little apple or pear swings 
in it, and the bottle, or inkstand, or whatever you use, is 
tied to the limb firmly, and the fruit is left to grow big- 
ger and bigger inside of the bottle. By and by when it 
gets so large that it cannot grow out sidewise any 
further, for the glass stops it, it begins to grow down into 
the bottle, and pretty soon it fills the bottle completely. 
Then you can tap the bottle a sharp rap with a hammer 


152 


The Rambillicus Book 


or a stone and it breaks in pieces, and there is your bot- 
tle-shaped apple hanging to the limb, wonderful to see ! 

The very next spring Luther watched the apple trees 
closely until the blossoms were all gone from the trees, 
and then he tied all the inkstands, lamp chimneys, bot- 
tles, preserve jars, teapots he could find, and even the 
baby’s milk bottle, to the limbs. He had to wait a long 
time before he even began to see any result, but after a 
while the pears and apples grew big enough to take the 
shape of the things they were in, and he was tickled 
almost to death to see what a crop he was going to have. 
But he had an awful hard time keeping other children 
out of the yard, as he did not want them to know what 
was going on at all. 

When, at last, fall came and the apples were all 
ripe and red, he broke the collection of assorted glass- 
ware that hung on the trees, and was delighted to find 
that he had a much queerer lot of fruit than even Mr. 
Jimnogle had in Pottsville. 

It was while he was gathering all his apples that he 
looked down and saw the kitten, Admiral Sampson, 
playing with a small pippin on the ground beneath. 
Then he got another big idea. 

You may not know that apple trees are great things 
for giving people ideas, but it is so. The great Isaac 


153 


Luther’s Experiment 

Newton, just by sitting under such a tree, got the ideas 
that made him famous, as your father will tell you after 
you finish this story. Luther, as he looked at the kitten, 
said to himself : 

“ If apples can be made to grow in any shape we 
want them, why can’t cats and guinea-pigs and other ani- 
mals? I will try to find out.” 

Now, when Luther Calvin Knocksmith decided to do 
a thing it was as good as done, as you may have seen 
already, for he was an awfully smart boy. He came right 
down from the tree and took all his apples into the 
house and gave them to his little sister Hermione to play 
with, for he was now interested in a new and greater ex- 
periment. 

He had nine little guinea-pigs which would do very 
nicely to begin with, and next door there were seven 
new-born kittens which they were going to drown that 
evening. He went to Mrs. Brownstout, the lady living 
next door, and asked her to give him the kittens, and she 
was very glad to do so, as she did not like drowning 
kittens any more than you would. 

He carried the poor, blind things into the house and 
put them to bed in the laundry. Then he got a lot of 
medium-sized boxes, such as cigar, cracker, soap, and 
band-boxes, but the last were too thin and flimsy to hold 


154 


The Rambillicus Book 


a growing cat, so he had to give them up and take 
cheese-boxes in order to make round cats. Into each 
box he put a kitten and fastened the lid on so that 
it could not come off, no matter how the kitten pushed 
against it as it grew. 

Then he got some other boxes of different shapes 
and into them he put a few guinea-pigs. Just about that 
time he had the luck to find a little puppy dog in the 
alley near the school, and him he put into a big odd- 
shaped box that was made to send home a typewriter in. 

All the animals grew very nicely, for he fed them 
carefully, and not one of them ever was sick or seemed 
to dislike its queer covering of wood. As they grew 
larger he cut holes for their legs to stick out, and it was 
a very funny sight to see a lot of wooden boxes running 
around and playing tag with each other in the Knock- 
smiths’ back yard after the animals were nearly full grown. 

But when Luther took the boxes off the cats, the 
guinea-pigs, and the pug dog, that was a much funnier 
sight, let me tell you. They were all kinds of shapes, 
square, round, oblong, and cubical, for they had filled the 
boxes just as the apples had filled the bottles, and to see 
a square cat running after a three-cornered dog was 
enough to make a cow laugh. 

Mr. Knocksmith used to stay home at night just to 


Luther Knocksmith’s Experiment 







Luther’s Experiment 157 

watch them, and he laughed so that he was almost sick, 
but it cured his lumbago, so he did not mind. 

Then Luther thought that he would do even greater 
things. He took the pug, two or three cats, and several 
of the guinea-pigs over to the Zoo and showed them to 
Mr. Manley, who almost fell off his chair when he saw 
them. He wanted to know how it was done, but Luther 
would not tell him. Luther said that if he had any baby 
animals, such as lions, tigers, sea-lions, monkeys, and so 
forth, he would take them home and keep them until he 
had transformed them as he had done his cats and dog. 

Mr. Manley was too amazed to think for about an 
hour. All he could say was : 

“ Holy smoke ! what an amazing, incredible meta- 
morphosis !” 

Luther answered : 

“They are not metamorphoses; they are only cats 
and guinea pigs !” 

After Mr. Manley had recovered from his astonish- 
ment, he told Luther that it was against the law to send 
any animals out of the Zoo, although he wished that he 
could, for nothing would be more interesting than some 
three-cornered tigers and square lions or elongated ele- 
phants, but he did not see how he could grant Luther’s 
wish. 


158 


The Rambillicus Book 


“ Could you not fix me up some place here so that 
I could make my experiments right at the Zoo?” Luther 
asked ; “ and if any new animals were born I could get 
them immediately.” 

“That might be possible,” answered Mr. Manley. 
“ I will talk to the managers of the Zoo and see what 
they say. But you will have to leave a few samples of 
your animals with me to show them when I tell them 
about your work or else they will not believe me at all.” 

So Luther left the dog, a cat, and a guinea-pig with 
him and went home with the rest. 

In about a week Mr. Manley sent word that every- 
thing was all right. He could have all the room he 
wanted at the Zoo, and he said to hurry up, as there 
were about a dozen baby animals all ready to start 
with. 

Luther hurried to the Zoo and found a lot of new 
tigers, no bigger than large kittens, four little lions, some 
monkeys, and a baby elephant for him to begin upon. 

Mr. Manley had some workmen who were to make 
the funny-shaped forms that Luther suggested out of 
galvanized iron, just like ice-cream forms, such as they 
have in New York and other large cities. The forms 
were made of iron, so as to be strong, that these big ani- 
mals might not burst them open in growing. They were 


Opening Day at the Zoo 














































































































































































♦ 


L 



Luther’s Experiment 161 

of every possible shape, and Luther was kept pretty busy 
thinking out new forms as fast as new animals came. 

There was a hippopotamus baby growing up in a 
shape like a Noah’s Ark ; there were monkeys in stove- 
form and tigers in long tubes or pipes ; a corrugated 
elephant, and a spiral-shaped lion or two, and many 
other funny figures that I cannot stop to tell you about, 
but which you will have to see in order to appreciate 
Luther Knocksmith’s wonderful discovery, now that they 
are all open to the public at the Zoo. 

He is called the “ Official Animal Transformer,” or 
“ Metamorphosician,” which is a long word and one that 
Luther himself can hardly remember more than a minute. 

Now that his work is all done at the Zoo, Luther is 
trying to borrow some brand new babies — not animal 
babies, you understand, but human babies — so that he 
may change them into new forms and start a fresh style 
in children. Lots of boys, and even a few girls, who do 
not care to have children in the house to cry at night, or 
to put the noses of their brothers and sisters out of joint, 
have promised to give Luther all the babies he needs as 
soon as they can get them out of the house. So if you 
happen to meet a baby in its carriage some day, with a 
head shaped like a jardiniere, you may know at once that 
Luther has succeeded in his great life-work. 


The Rambillicus Book 


162 


It might be a good thing, too, to try the experiment 
in some towns where the houses are so small that there 
is not room for the people. They might grow only 
square-cornered babies, so that they could stand in the 
corners of the rooms and be out of the way ; or long, thin 
babies who would grow up that way and not take up so 
much room in the cars or in bed when they were grown. 

But whether that ever happens or not, Luther is 
satisfied that he has done something new, and that is 
what most people are wishing for in this world. 


How Jasper Tricked the Dreadful 

Rasmatag 



































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































Chapter XIII 

HOW JASPER TRICKED THE DREADFUL 
RASMATAG 

N our town there lives a man 
named Archibald X. Boomski, 
who has twenty-three sons. 

He was formerly a very rich 
plumber, as everybody in his 
neighborhood had him to do 
their plumbing work, but he 
became very, very poor, because, 
as his sons grew up, they would 
not work at all. They just played foot-ball from morn- 
ing until night, and it took all the money Mr. Boomski 
could raise to get food for his family, to say nothing of 
the foot-ball clothes his sons wanted and the liniment 
and plasters they so often needed after a rough game. 

All of the boys were alike in their objection to work 
except the youngest, whose name was Jasper, a bright 
boy of thirteen, who was quite a different sort of lad, 
indeed. 

165 



1 66 The Rambillicus Book 


Instead of playing foot-ball all day, Jasper, after he 
had learned all of his lessons, would try to help his old 
father in the poor little shop, which was all he had left of 
his once great wealth. He learned all about the business, 
so that he was quite a little workman already. 

He really enjoyed the work, and was so pleasant 
and obliging that people liked to go there to get things 
mended ; but Mr. Boomski, being old, could not do all 
the work, and so he lost customers right along, — all 
because his twenty-two lazy sons would not pitch in and 
help him. 

One day, early in the summer, an old woman came 
into the shop where Jasper was all alone, trying to put 
two pieces of stove-pipe together. 

“Good morning,” he said; “what can I do for 
you ?” 

“ I wish to see the plumber,” she answered. 

“ My father is out mending a roof,” said Jasper. 
“ Is there anything I can do for you ?” 

“ I want a man to come to my house and fix the 
pipe in the sink. It is leaking dreadfully.” 

“ I’ll go with you and look at it,” said Jasper, taking 
his hat and some tools ; and the old woman led him to 
her home, where he just looked at the pipe and said : 

“The washer is loose. I can fix it in a minute.” 


The Dreadful Rasmatag 167 

He took his wrench, screwed up the washer, and the 
pipe was all right 

“ How much ?” asked the old woman. 

“ Oh, I could not think of charging you anything 
for such a little job as that. It was no trouble at 
all.” 

“ You are a nice boy,” said the old woman, “ and I 
will give you a letter to my sister, Mrs. Proxy, who 
maybe will have some work for you to do at once, as she 
owns a number of houses.” 

She wrote the letter to her sister, who lived away 
out of town, and Jasper started off to deliver it, as he 
had nothing else to do just then. 

Now, Mrs. Proxy was nobody at all but the good 
fairy Ivorine, and the old woman was not her sister, but 
another fairy whom she sent around looking for nice, 
obliging children. Whenever she found one, she sent 
him to the fairy’s house, and something good always hap- 
pened to him right off. 

Mrs. Proxy was at home, of course, when Jasper got 
there, and she opened the door herself and let him in to 
the most beautiful house anybody ever saw. She was a 
very little, wrinkled old woman and seemed so feeble that 
Jasper was sorry for her. 

When she read the letter she said : “ Yes, I have a 


1 68 The Rambillicus Book 


lot of work for you to do, but you are such a small boy 
it seems to me that you can’t do what I want.” 

“ I can try, and if it can’t be done, I’ll tell you and 
you can get a man,” said Jasper. “What is it you want 
me to do, ma’am ?” 

“The stove-pipe has fallen down and I can’t get it 
together again,” she answered. 

Jaspers heart fell away down in his bosom as she 
named the hardest job a plumber can have given to him, 
but he said, bravely : 

“ Let’s look at it.” 

She took him to the kitchen and there was the stove- 
pipe on the floor. He picked it up and went to work, 
but he was so nervous and worried because Mrs. Proxy 
stood there looking at him, that his hands shook dread- 
fully. 

He did not know it, but this was the best thing 
that ever happened to him ; for his hands trembled so 
violently, as he tried to put the old stove-pipe together, 
that they shook the pipe right into place, so that it 
looked just as if he did it as easily as winking. 

He was surprised himself when he found that he had 
done it just as well as a boss plumber would. 

“That was very cleverly done, my boy,” Mrs. Proxy 


said. 


The Dreadful Rasmatag 169 

“ I did not really expect that I could do it,” Jasper 
answered ; “ but I was bound to try, as we need the 
money, you know.” 

“ You are a good boy and an honest one. Here is 
your money, and I shall be glad to help you all I can, 
although good boys like you will make their way whether 
anybody helps them or not, I think. At any rate, the 
Rasmatag will never get you.” 

“What is the Rasmatag?” asked Jasper in surprise, 
as he had never heard the word before. 

“ It is a dreadfully fierce animal that comes after bad 
children and especially after those who do not mind their 
teachers and parents and who do things that they have 
been told over and over again not to do. Boys who 
mark on walls are the ones that the Rasmatag goes after 
the most, but it catches all the other kinds of bad boys 
and girls too.” 

“ What does it look like ?” asked Jasper. 

“ Like nothing you ever saw in all your life,” replied 
Mrs. Proxy. “ It has a big, scaly body, all covered with 
coarse hair ; claws with which it can climb right up the 
side of a house ; and a long neck, so that it can stretch 
away up to the top of a tall building and then poke its 
head down the chimney into any room where a bad boy 
is hiding, for its head is very small and narrow. But my ! 


The Rambillicus Book 


170 

what a big mouth it has ! It goes way down into its 
neck like an alligator’s, and it is full of the very sharpest 
kind of teeth, all bending backward, so that when it 
catches hold of a boy he can’t wriggle away at all.” 

“Where does it stay?” asked Jasper, a little fright- 
ened, because he thought of his twenty-two bad, lazy 
brothers, and he wondered what the Rasmatag had been 
doing lately, as they had not been caught. 

“ It lives in a big cave away up the river, where 
nobody goes, except people who drive fast horses, and 
very few except fairies and artists know just where the 
cave is.” 

“ I wonder why it never got my brothers,” remarked 
Jasper, thoughtfully. 

“ It caught them this very morning while they were 
playing foot-ball and they are in its cave this minute, all 
of them, crying fit to break their hearts.” 

“ I’ll bet they’re sorry they did not mind father,” 
said Jasper; “but I hate to think of its eating them up, 
even if they were so bad. They don’t know any better. 
I hardly think anybody ever told them about the 
Rasmatag. I have a good mind to go up there and 
try to get them out.” 

“That’s not easily done,” said the fairy. “You 
may be a boss stove-pipe fixer, but to get anything away 


The Dreadful Rasmatag 171 

from the Rasmatag is quite a different matter, indeed. 
You will certainly fail.” 

“ I can try,” said Jasper. 

Mrs. Proxy smiled and said : “Well, nobody can 
do more than try, that’s a fact. Here is your pay for fix- 
ing the pipe and when I have something more for you to 
do I’ll send for you.” 

Jasper looked at the money, and saw that she had 
given him a hundred-dollar bill. He said : 

“You have made a mistake, Mrs. Proxy.” 

“ In what way ?” asked the fairy, smiling again. 

“ This is a hundred-dollar bill that you have given 
me and my price is certainly not more than a dollar,” 
replied Jasper. 

“ A hundred dollars is what I always pay for having 
my stove-pipe fixed,” she answered. “Take it and say 
nothing. Good-morning. ’ ’ 

Jasper was so tickled that he could hardly thank Mrs. 
Proxy properly, and he started for his home in great glee 
to show his father how much money he had gotten for 
one job, just like a grown-up plumber ; but on the way 
he thought of his brothers and he changed his mind. 

He took the car and went to the river and walked 
up the drive a long way. Pretty soon he met an old 
man with whiskers so long that he had them tied up in a 


172 


The Rambillicus Book 


knot to keep them out of the mud. He stood 
weeping bitterly beside a big steam boiler, which 
had wheels under it and a long pole to pull it along 
with. 

“ What is the matter ? Why are you crying ?” 
asked Jasper. 

“I am played out,” answered the old man. “I 
can go no further, and I must take this old steam 
boiler to town to sell it to the junk dealer. I must 
have the money to-day or I shall lose my house and 
farm.” 

Jasper grasped the hundred-dollar bill in his pocket 
and felt sorry. 

“What is the boiler worth?” asked Jasper, as the old 
man cried harder. 

“ I ought to get a hundred dollars for it,” he replied, 
peeping through his hands at the boy. 

“ Well, I hate to see an old man crying. That’s 
all right for kids, but not for men,” said Jasper. “ I’ll 
give you a hundred for it, and you wipe your tears off 
your long whiskers. I’ll take the boiler to town and 
sell it.” 

The old man, all smiles, took the money, and, 
strange to say, disappeared instantly, which worried 
Jasper a little. He looked at the boiler, and found that 


Jasper Buys the Steam Boiler 


























































































































The Dreadful Rasmatag 175 

it was a rusty old thing, with a hole in the top about as 
big as himself, over which was an iron lid that was fast- 
ened by a catch. 

He saw that there were no holes in the boiler, and 
that there was a little fire burning in the fire-box under- 
neath, but not much. He pulled it along by the pole, 
and found it went easily, so that he was surprised that 
the old man could not pull it. 

He did not guess that the old man was only the 
good fairy Ivorine again, just trying to find out how 
obliging Jasper was to everybody, even to giving a poor 
old man his money. 

Pretty soon Jasper came to the cave of the Rasmatag 
and stopped in front of it, thinking what he should do. 
Out popped the animal ; but seeing Jasper, and knowing 
at once that he was a good boy, he only roared to scare 
him off. 

Jasper, although he was really frightened, only said : 
“ Tut-tut !” and shook his fist at the Rasmatag, who drew 
back a little, as this was the very first good boy that had 
ever faced him, and he did not know exactly what to do 
with him. 

The Rasmatag was a little alarmed. 

“ Go away before I get real mad and devour you 1” 
he roared. 


176 The Rambillicus Book 


Jasper had seen him shrink back a little, so he took 
heart and said : 

“ I am not afraid of you ! If I choose I could say 
some words that would shrivel you all up.” 

“ What words would you say ?” he asked. 

“ Do you think I am going to tell you that?” asked 
Jasper. “ I would be foolish, indeed, to do so !” 

“Go away, I’m getting wrathy !” roared the animal. 
“ In a minute I shan’t be able to control myself, and you 
will be eaten up or something!” 

“ You can’t touch me,” said Jasper. “ I don’t think 
you are much, anyhow.” 

“I am the only genuine Rasmatag in the world,” 
cried the creature, coming out of the cave and closer to 
Jasper. “ I am the most awful, hideous, and terrible 
thing alive.” 

“What can you do? Can you fix a stove-pipe ?” 
asked Jasper, scornfully. 

“ I can do anything, be anything, and go anywhere 
I wish !” cried the Rasmatag. “ Remember, I am the 
Rasmatag !” 

“Well, Ras, I’m glad to meet you, but I’d like to 
see some of your great tricks before I’ll believe that you 
are such a wonder. Can you eat fire?” 

“Certainly,” said the Rasmatag, and he went to the 


The Dreadful Rasmatag 177 

firebox, and, taking out a clawful of red-hot coals, he 
made a quick lunch of them then and there. 

Jasper was amazed, for he had never seen this done, 
as I have, and did not know how it was accomplished. 

“What else can you do?” he inquired. 

“Anything you ask,” answered the Rasmatag, quite 
proud to see that he had surprised Jasper and very anx- 
ious to amaze him still more ; for Rasmatags are very 
conceited and vain, even more so than a peacock. 

Jasper pretended to be doubtful. “ Can you, for 
instance, just to prove how smart you are, get into 
such a small place as this hole in my old boiler?” 

“ Huh, huh ; that’s too easy !” said the animal, as 
he peeped into the hole. “ Give me something harder !” 

“ I don’t believe you can do it ; you want to back 
out 1” cried Jasper, scornfully. 

“Just watch me !” snorted the Rasmatag, and he 
climbed up on the boiler. He poked his head in and 
then crawled into the hole. “ There, you see, I am in, 
every bit of me !” 

“ No,” said Jasper, as he climbed up and stood 
beside the hole, “ you are not all in. There is some of 
your tail still sticking out !” 

Then, quick as a flash, he clapped the lid on the 
hole and fastened it with the iron catch. He did it so 


1 7 8 


The Rambillicus Book 


quickly that he broke off a piece of the Rasmatag’ s tail, 
for he could not pull it in before the cover came down on 
it with a bang. 

“ Now, I’ve got you !” cried Jasper, “and I am going 
to stir up my fire and just roast you to death at once. 
That’s how I’ll get rid of you !” 

The Rasmatag roared and squealed and begged 
Jasper not to roast him alive. He promised all sorts of 
things if Jasper would only release him. After a while 
Jasper thought perhaps it would be better to get some- 
thing out of him instead of roasting him, and he said : 

“ What will you give me to let you go ?” 

“ I’ll give you my flying-box.” 

“What is that good for?” asked Jasper. 

“ You get in it and it will take you to any place you 
wish.” 

“That’s not enough,” said Jasper. 

“ I’ll give you my dining-table.” 

“ What’s that ?” 

“ It has only to be spoken to and it is covered with 
everything good to eat that you like,” replied the animal. 

“ Pretty good, but not enough for me,” said Jasper, 
smiling to himself. 

“ Then take the purple feather,” cried the Rasmatag, 
with an awful groan. 


Can You Get into My Old Boiler? 



















































































































































































The Dreadful Rasmatag 181 

“ What can I do with a purple feather ?” 

“ Whoever has that knows everything and never has 
to study or go to school.” 

“ Pooh ! I like to go to school,” answered Jasper. 

“Well, I have offered you all I have,” said the 
Rasmatag, groaning again dismally. “You are hard to 
suit. Anybody else would have been glad to get even 
one of those things.” 

“Anybody else, perhaps, never got you in such a 
tight place,” replied Jasper with a laugh ; “but think 
again.” 

“ I have nothing more, really, I haven’t,” said the 
animal. “Unless it’s a bunch of bad boys and some 
little information.” 

“ If I take the boys along with the rest of the things 
you offer and let you out, will you tell me how to make 
them good, so that they will mind their parents and do 
what they are told ?” 

“ Yes, I promise. In fact, I’ll tell you now. All 
you have to do is to drop that piece of my tail in some 
dish, say a stew or soup, and if a boy tastes it he will 
be good forever after.” 

Jasper picked up the piece of the Rasmatag’s tail 
and put it in his pocket, saying : 

“All right. I’ll let you out and you go and get the 


1 82 The Rambillicus Book 


feather, the table, and the flying-box, and let out the 
boys you have in your cave/’ 

“ I will ; only let me out quick, before I am smoth- 
ered in this rusty old boiler !” 

Jasper took off the cover, and out crawled the 
Rasmatag, saying: “ You think you’re smart, don’t you? 
That was a mean trick to play on a fellow that never did 
anything to you !” 

“Can’t help it. You’re a big nuisance, anyhow,” 
said Jasper. “You ought to be glad I let you off so 
easily. Some boys would have roasted you quickly 
enough, let me tell you. But after all, I suppose you 
are really needed to keep the supply of bad boys down, 
and so I let you out.” 

“Well, I’m much obliged to you as it is, for few 
boys are so thoughtful. I will go and get the things 
for you.” 

Pretty soon out ran a lot of boys with sad faces, all 
marked with tears they had shed in the cave, and much 
to his surprise Jasper saw all of his brothers, whom he 
had supposed the Rasmatag had already eaten. They 
were awfully glad to get out, but when Jasper told them 
to hurry home, all of his brothers yelled: “Who made 
you our boss ?” 

They were going to punch him, when out popped 


The Dreadful Rasmatag 183 

the Rasmatag, with the things he had promised Jasper. 
He was so mad when he saw the way the brothers were 
acting, that he cried : “ Say the word, Jasper, my boy, 
and I’ll eat the whole lot of them this minute !” 

All of his brothers fell on their knees and shrieked 
for mercy, and Jasper told the Rasmatag to let them go 
this time, and he would see that they behaved themselves. 
Then he told them to go home, and this time they obeyed 
him at once, but they stared at him as they went, as if he 
were a real magician, and it was plain that they were all 
afraid of him, as well as of the awful beast from which he 
had released them. 

Jasper took the dining-table, the flying-box, and the 
magic feather from the Rasmatag, said farewell to him, 
and followed his brothers and the other boys home. 

He was surprised to find that just by having the 
feather stuck in his hat he already knew everything : all 
the names of trees, birds, plants, and people ; all the 
qualities of everything he saw about him. 

Suddenly thinking of his box, he wished himself at 
home. In a twinkling he was there and found his old 
father weeping over the loss of all his boys, when, I 
think, he might have been glad at getting rid of them. 
Jasper soon cheered him up by telling him that they were 
all safe, and he bade the table set out a fine dinner 


1 84 The Rambillicus Book 

instead of the stew which his father had prepared for 
himself. 

Soon the brothers came home. They were very bois- 
terous, for they already had got over their fright. They 
shouted at their father, and were going to eat all the good 
things, when Jasper told the table to clear away, and in- 
stantly all the food vanished. He had tossed the piece 
of the Rasmatag’s tail into the stew a while before, and he 
now placed the dish on the table, and told his brothers 
that it was all they might have to eat. 

They were frightened when they saw the magic table 
clear itself, and so they did as Jasper told them and ate 
the stew. When it was all eaten the oldest brother, 
Hiram, got up and, looking around the room, said : 

“ It seems to me that we ought to get to work, boys, 
and tidy up this room a bit. It looks like a pigpen, I 
think !” 

The second brother rose and added: “Yes, and I 
am going into the shop and fix it up, so that when cus- 
tomers come it will be decently clean for them to sit in.” 

“What can I do?” asked Peter, the third brother. 
“ I am dying to get to work.” 

“ Let’s get out and drum up some trade,” said 
Adolphus, the fourth brother. 

“ I will go and try to collect a lot of father’s old 


The Dreadful Rasmatag 185 

bills, and you see if I don’t make those stingy customers 
pay up !” said Gustavus, the fifth brother. 

Well, to make it short, they all were as eager to work 
as they had been lazy before, for the Rasmatag’s tail did 
its part at once. In a few weeks Mr. Boomski had to 
hire an immense building to do the work that came to 
him, and the noise that the twenty-two plumbers made 
as they toiled and sang could be heard for several blocks. 
It was not long before they all grew very wealthy and 
were as happy as the day was long. 

Meanwhile Jasper is flying around the world with his 
magic box, taking photographs of places and animals that 
nobody has ever seen before. With all his wonderful 
knowledge to aid him, he is going to write the most 
magnificent book of travels for children that has ever 
been dreamed of, and I am going to draw all the animals’ 
pictures in it. 











The Whispering Shell 





Chapter XIV 

THE WHISPERING SHELL 

VERYBODY has heard of 
the storks that bring 
babies, but very few know 
about that dreadful bird 
called the Bairnodactyl, 
which steals away little 
babies almost as soon as 
they are born. I cannot 
describe this bird, for no- 
body has ever seen it. But if you should leave your baby 
sister or brother out all night, it is quite likely that the 
Bairnodactyl would swoop down and carry off the infant. 

What it does with the children is not known, either ; 
but this story will tell you what happened to Claire, the 
baby sister of Paul Rogers, who was stolen by the bird 
and given to the giant Gilligen, who kept her until she 
grew up, and made her do his housework in company 
with the Princess Alicia, another baby captive, and how 
the wise and noble Paul rescued both of them. 

189 



190 


The Rambillicus Book 


Gilligen was not only a giant, but he was an ogre, 
and a good deal of a wizard, too, for everything about his 
great farm worked by magic. He had a cow that gave 
milk punch, trees that yielded hot pancakes and ham 
sandwiches, roasted chickens walking around ready to 
eat, candy rabbits, popcorn bushes and lemonade springs, 
as well as many other wonderful contrivances and queer 
animals. 

His farm was so big that a railroad train could not 
cross it in two days, but he was always wandering around 
outside of it, and only came home to meals, which Claire 
and the Princess Alicia had to have ready on time, or he 
would fly into such a terrible passion that the earth shook 
for miles around, the pancakes fell off the trees, and the 
animals quaked with terror. 

A wide sea washed the farm on three sides, and on 
the fourth, high mountains, with a great, dark forest 
beyond, made a barrier that none dared pass. In the 
sea and in the forest were awful roaring animals that 
frightened everyone who dared to approach the region ; 
besides that, all knew that the giant lived there, and 
people kept far away from his neighborhood, you may 
be sure. Of course, had anybody known that two 
beautiful maidens were held captive by Gilligen, every 
brave and noble young man in the country would have 


The Whispering Shell 191 

risked his life to rescue them. But all were ignorant of 
this fact. 

So the maidens toiled on year by year, growing 
more and more beautiful daily. The coarse, brutal Gilli- 
gen, however, never noticed how lovely they were ; but 
merely observed once in a while that they were not fat 
enough to eat yet, for that was what he was saving 
them for. 

Meanwhile brother Paul also grew to be a big, 
strong, brave boy who was always going hunting and 
fishing or playing games which increased his strength 
and daring. He knew every secret cave in the moun- 
tains, every valley where game was to be found, every 
lake and brook where the big fish were to be caught, and 
there was not a bird or beast in all the land that he did 
not know about. His father often wished that he would 
stay at home and work on the farm, but he never could 
remain there more than a few days without stealing away 
to the woods with his gun, or to the seashore with his 
fishing rod. 

Of course, he went to school when there was any, 
but in that country it was so hard to get school teachers 
that half the time the school was closed and the children 
had to study the best they could at home. Paul often 
used to take his books and go to the woods or the shore 


192 


The Rambillicus Book 


and study for hours, but sometimes when strange animals 
came stealing past or big fish leaped and splashed in the 
water near shore he found it very difficult to keep his 
attention fixed upon his studies. 

He was a big boy of sixteen, when he suddenly 
decided to have one last hunt and one last fishing trip, 
after which he would put away his gun and rod and use 
them only on holidays. He concluded to go fishing first 
because there had been a great storm, and he thought 
that the fish would be very hungry and bite better ; so to 
the shore he hurried. He found the tide far out and the 
strand, for many miles, strewn with shells, dead fish, sea- 
weed, and wreckage. Suddenly far up on the sand he 
spied a tremendous king crab lying upon its back, but 
vigorously kicking and trying to turn over. 

“Jerusalem!” cried Paul. “That is really a king 
crab — the king of all crabs !” 

“ Let me go ! Let me go !” cried the crab. “ I’ll 
reward you well if you spare me !” 

Astonished to hear a crab speak, for this had never 
happened to Paul before in all his wanderings, he stared 
at the crustacean in amazement. The crab added : 
“ Come, come ! Turn me over and put me in the water, 
and you’ll not be sorry.” 

“ It appears that you must be a new variety of king 


193 


The Whispering Shell 

crab!” cried Paul. “I didn’t know any of you could 
talk.” 

He turned the crab over, and it waggled its stiff 
spike of a tail to feel if it was all there. Then it said : 
“Thank you. I suppose that you have decided to spare 
me ?” 

“ I couldn’t have the heart to destroy a crab that 
talks as well as you do,” said Paul. “ But tell me how 
you learned.” 

“ I am the king of all king crabs,” it replied. “ I 
was caught in the undertow last night, and before I could 
swim away was tossed high and dry on the shore, and 
upside down at that. I am mighty glad you came 
along, for I should have soon perished in the hot 
sun.” 

“ Well, I’ll carry you to the water, as you seem very 
much exhausted,” said the boy. “ But I’d like to have 
a long talk with you after you have recovered, for there 
are many things you can tell me about the sea and what’s 
in its depths, if you are willing.” 

“Glad to do it,” replied the crab. “Give me a few 
minutes in the sea, and I’ll be a new crab.” 

Paul placed him in the sea, and he shot down into 
deep water, while the boy wondered if he would really 
return. But in a few minutes he reappeared, his dark 


i 9 4 


The Rambillicus Book 


shell shining like a mirror and looking every inch a king 
of crabs. He came out, and for several hours they sat 
there, Paul listening with all his ears to the wonderful 
things the crustacean told him about the wonders of the 
deep. 

It was almost night when he said : “ Now it is grow- 
ing dark, and I must go home. I am very much obliged 
to you for telling me all this, and I’ll never forget you. 
I hope I’ll see you often.” He was about to go, when 
the crab said : 

“ I promised to reward you for saving my life, and 
I’m not going to do it simply by telling you all about the 
sea bottom, I am sure. That’s nothing. You meet me 
here to-morrow at daylight, and I’ll give you a handsome 
present.” 

Next morning Paul was there, you may be certain, 
and out came the king crab carrying a beautiful shell that 
was colored so fantastically and so charmingly that it 
dazzled Paul to look at it. The crab held it up and 
said : 

‘‘Take this as a reward. It is a whispering shell. 
Place it to your ear, and you will hear the music of the 
deep sea, and when you ask anything of it, it will answer 
you in whispers. No matter what you wish to know, it 
will tell you faithfully and correctly at once ; and do not 


i95 


The Whispering Shell 

be afraid to ask it the most difficult questions. It will 
never fail you.” 

Paul said farewell to the crab, and he slid into the 
sea and vanished. The boy sat in the sand listening to 
the strange song of the shell for an hour; then he began 
to ask all manner of questions of his new-found treasure. 
No matter what he asked, the shell gave him an answer 
and filled him with mixed wonder and delight. Hour 
after hour he sat there, until the noonday sun warned 
him that dinner time had come ; and he rather reluctantly 
arose, for, after all, Paul had the healthy appetite of all 
growing boys. 

After dinner Paul told his father all about his adven- 
ture with the crab, and the rest of the afternoon was spent 
asking all sorts of questions regarding the best way to 
make the farm pay ; and when Paul’s mother came home 
at night from a visit to her sister’s, she was told about 
the wonderful shell. The mother immediately began to 
tremble, and, seizing the shell, she asked in a voice that 
shook with anxiety : 

“Where is my baby — my little Claire?” 

The shell began to whisper, and the mother’s face 
paled as she heard all about the giant Gilligen and the 
two lovely prisoners. She listened with patience until 
all was told, and then she related it to the others. 


196 


The Rambillicus Book 


“ I will seek for her !” cried Paul. “ I’ll go at once 
and find this giant’s farm by the sea and rescue Claire !” 

You see Paul had already resolved to rescue the 
beautiful Princess, too, and marry her, as always happens 
when you rescue anybody ; and he was eager to start 
on his quest. Next morning he said farewell to his 
parents, who, with tears of anxiety, saw him depart. On 
the way he had a long conversation with his adviser, the 
pearly shell, and everything was arranged. 

“ In the first place,” the shell said, “ if you seek 
under a fallen tree behind a ruined house at Hominy 
Hill Cross-roads, you will find an iron pot full of gold, 
buried there by Captain Kidd two hundred years ago. 
With this money you must buy a fast automobile. Then 
we can travel comfortably, as well as rapidly, for any day 
the giant may take it into his head to eat the girls, as it 
is about time for the Bairnodactyl to bring him home 
some new ones.” 

So Paul bought the largest and reddest automo- 
bile he could find. Then he loaded her with the best 
things to eat — bags of crullers, mince pies, chocolate 
cakes, cinnamon buns, candy, cookies, sandwiches, and 
everything nice, so that they would not suffer the awful 
pangs of hunger that come to a boy between meals, 
and off they started. 


i 9 7 


The Whispering Shell 

Over vast sandy desert plains they traveled, where 
it was so lonely that for days they saw nothing but vul- 
tures and insurance agents, which, of course, are every- 
where ; along winding rivers and lonely lakes ; over high 
mountains covered always with deep snow, and down 
narrow, dark valleys ; through dense forests filled with 
fierce wolves, bears, and other animals, which fled from the 
red automobile in great fright, until at last they came to the 
woods that surrounded the mountains to the north of Gil- 
ligen’s farm. Through the forest they went slowly and 
over the mountains cautiously, until they were on the 
farm, when the shell told him how to proceed. 

“ You must leave the automobile here, hidden in 
the bushes,” the shell whispered, “and go on foot to 
Gilligen’s house, where you must tell him that you are 
lost and ask for shelter. He will give you some difficult 
tasks to do, but by my help you will accomplish all of 
them.” 

Paul walked to Gilligen’s immense house, and, find- 
ing the door wide open, strolled into the hall. There 
was no one visible, so he went into the kitchen, where 
he saw the two lovely girls peeling potatoes. When they 
saw him they turned pale with amazement, for they saw 
that it was a boy. Neither of them had ever seen a live 
boy, but from the giant’s picture books they knew what 


198 


The Rambillicus Book 


he was. But when he told Claire that he was her brother 
Paul she almost fainted, for she knew that the giant 
would eat him at once. 

He only laughed when she told him of his peril and 
said that it was as likely that he would eat Gilligen, 
unless he was too tough. When the girls saw how 
brave he was, they, too, grew cheerful and merry. They 
showed him all over the farm and ate lots of the candies 
that he had brought for them. 

After they had related to him the simple story of 
their lives and told him all that they could about Gilli- 
gen’s habits, it became dark, and soon the footsteps of 
the approaching giant shook the ground. He entered 
his house, and Paul was astounded at his size, but not at 
all alarmed. He spoke to Gilligen, who in turn was sur- 
prised, and asked Paul how he got there. Paul replied 
that he had lost his way in the forest, and wished to be 
employed on the farm, as he was a good farmer. The 
giant laughed, but said : 

“All right, my son. You may work for me, but 
you’ll find me a hard taskmaster if you don’t please 
me.” 

“ I’ll do my best,” replied Paul. 

“ If you’ll find my spade, which has been lost for 
more than a hundred years, I think you'll suit me as a 


i 9 9 


The Whispering Shell 

helper," said Gilligen. “ I have searched high and low 
for it for years, but it’s gone, I fear, for good and 
all.” 

Paul secretly held the shell to his ear, and it 
promptly told him that the missing spade was lying at 
the bottom of a deep brook near the house. He said to 
the giant : 

“Your spade is not far away, but it’s too big for 
me to lift. Come with me, and I’ll show you where it 
lies.” 

When the giant felt in the brook and drew forth the 
spade he was much pleased. 

“ I see that you will be useful,” he said. “ Now tell 
me how you knew where it was.” 

“ I cannot tell you that,” said Paul. 

“ That was well done. Now to-morrow you must 
go up on the hill, where the Plinkidorm lives, and clear 
away all the stones there and take them down to the 
seashore, where I wish to build a wharf.” 

The next morning Paul followed Gilligen to the foot 
of the hill, where the giant halted ; for he himself was a 
little afraid of the Plinkidorm, as it was a most enormous 
animal. 

“You go right up,” he said. “Never mind the 
Plinkidorm, but begin to carry the stones down.” And 


200 


The Rambillicus Book 


then he went away, giving Paul an opportunity to con- 
sult his shell. 

“ Do not be alarmed at the size of the Plinkidorm,” 
whispered the shell, “but walk boldly up to him, order- 
ing him to proceed to work, and if he refuses threaten to 
tell his mother on him, and you will see what happens.” 

Paul followed these instructions and climbed to the 
top of the hill, where an enormous beast sprang fero- 
ciously at him, its scales rattling like a runaway tin cart. 
Great flames poured forth from its nostrils and ears, 
while an iron ball at the end of its tail thumped and 
pounded the stones with a din like thunder. 

The bold and unterrified boy shook his fist at the 
approaching monster and bade it get to work. 

“At what?” cried the Plinkidorm, halting in aston- 
ishment. 

“Remove all these stones at once,” said Paul, “and 
carry them down to the seashore, or that will happen to 
you which will cause you to shake so that your teeth will 
fall out, your scales drop off, and your fire be ex- 
tinguished, from sheer fright.” 

“ And if I refuse !” asked the Plinkidorm, turning up 
its nose in contempt and taking a stealthy step forward. 

“Then,” said Paul, “ I will go and tell your mother 
on you.” 


The Creature Went to Work while Paul Watched 









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. 
















































































































































% 
























































203 


The Whispering Shell 

The Plinkidorm gave an awful yell of terror, and 
then, writhing and twisting, it fell flat upon the ground 
and crawled abjectly to Paul’s feet. 

“ Oh, spare me ! Spare me ! Anything but that !” 
it cried, trembling all over. 

“ I know how you feel,” said Paul, “ and I’ll have 
pity on you. Now get to work and hustle all those 
stones down to the seashore and toss them out into the 
water, so that Gilligen will have a wharf ready for him 
when he returns.” 

The gigantic creature, only too pleased to escape 
the awful fate of having his mother informed as to his 
conduct, went to work with alacrity, while Paul stood by 
to watch the stones fly. 

In less than an hour he had the satisfaction 
of seeing the hill bare of boulders, and, thanking 
the Plankidorm politely, he returned to the giant’s 
castle. 

Gilligen soon returned, and was enraged as well as 
frightened to see that the boy had accomplished the task, 
but he had another in readiness, which he knew would 
tax even a wizard’s resources. 

“ You must now catch for me,” said he, “ the great 
deep-sea white whale that no man has ever seen. I will 
go and take a nap while you do it.” 


204 


The Rambillicus Book 


“All right,” said Paul, nothing daunted. “That 
will be an easy job.” 

The giant lay down on the shore and pretended to 
go to sleep, while Paul held the shell to his ear. 

“Go to the stable,” said the shell, “and there you 
will find a black cow with many white hairs in its tail. 
Pull out all the white hairs and tie them together, and 
you will have a fish line that will capture the whale. On 
the apple tree behind the stable there is growing a single 
apple. Pluck it and tie it by the stem to the line and 
toss it into the sea. Then seat yourself by the giant’s 
feet and sing in a loud and monotonous manner ‘ The 
Old Oaken Bucket.’ This will cause Gilligen to sink into 
deep slumber, when you must tie the line round his big 
toe and await results.” 

Paul did as directed, the giant watching him closely 
in fear and trembling as he tied together the cow’s hairs. 
But, when he had sung “The Old Oaken Bucket” for 
some time, sleep overcame Gilligen, and he did not see 
Paul throw the apple into the sea ; so, when a few 
minutes later the great white whale seized the line with a 
mighty tug and Gilligen awoke to find himself being 
dragged by his big toe into the sea, he raised an awful 
yell. 

Little by little he was drawn by an irresistible force 


205 


The Whispering Shell 

farther and farther out to sea, and soon only his head was 
visible above the waves, and after a time, while Paul 
watched, he disappeared entirely. 

Then Paul returned to the house, got Claire and the 
Princess and took them to his automobile. A few hours 
later they were far, far away from Gilligen’s magic realm, 
and in two days had arrived at home, where his parents 
went wild with joy at their return. Strangely enough he 
found that five years had passed while he had been away 
from home, and he was now a man. So he married the 
Princess and took to writing wonderful books under the 
guidance of the magic shell. Now he is the most cele- 
brated author in all the world, but he never signs his real 
name, so people will never know who this story is about. 
If he did let people know who he was, he would forever be 
pestered by all sorts of questions and have no time to write 
at all. 










The 

Panjandrum and a Toxicologist 


Chapter XV 

THE PANJANDRUM AND A TOXICOLOGIST 



ATE in the autumn the Hooper 
family came back from the sea- 
shore and tried to rent a house 
for the winter ; but after seeking 
in vain all over the city for an 
unoccupied dwelling, they were 
at last obliged to take a very 
old and somewhat shabby-look- 
ing house in the suburbs. It 


was an ancient mansion which everybody declared was 
haunted, and it is a fact that it had never been occupied 
very long by any family that had moved into it. Nobody 
in the neighborhood told this to Mr. Hooper, but every 
person predicted that they would not stay in the old 
house more than two weeks. 

After a few days some children with whom little 
Howard Hooper had become acquainted, asked him if 
anything had happened and whether he had seen things 
in the house. Then they told him all about the ghosts 


209 



210 


The Rambillicus Book 


which were said to haunt the old dwelling, but as he had 
been taught that there were no such things as ghosts, he 
laughed 

Soon, however, he had many reasons to think that 
there certainly was something funny in the house. Two 
things were constantly occurring which set Howard to 
thinking often of what the other boys had told him. 

On the lawn in front of the ancient mansion, which 
was certainly a hundred years old, was a curious fountain. 
It had a great circular pool, or basin, in the middle of 
which stood a very ugly statue holding a curved shell, 
out of which the water no longer spouted high in the 
air, but trickled and dribbled slowly, so that by nightfall 
the pool was filled with water. Every morning, however, 
the basin was found perfectly empty, almost dry, in fact. 
This circumstance was noticed by the Hoopers almost at 
once, and many were the conjectures regarding the cause 
of the nightly disappearance of the water. They con- 
cluded at last that some one who had no water in his 
house was taking it. 

The other curious thing about the mansion was the fact 
that a door under the cellar stairs could not be kept closed. 
At first Mrs. Hooper scolded when she found that some- 
body had left this door open, although it was the door of 
a deep, empty closet in which nothing was kept. When 


21 I 


The Panjandrum 

each of the children had declared himself guiltless of 
touching the door, Mr. Hooper was blamed, and then 
the servant girl ; and yet the door kept opening at 
all sorts of times. It had no keyhole, nor yet a latch 
or fastener, nothing except a little catch to hold it shut; 
yet that surely seemed sufficient if people kept their 
hands off. Finally, a stick of wood was placed against 
it by Mr. Hooper, just to stop his wife’s scolding. Next 
day he saw that the wood was gone. Then he got after 
the children and everybody, but all said they had never 
touched the old door. Finally, Mr. Hooper declared that 
the door worked on his nerves and said that he would go 
to town, buy some nails and a hammer, and nail the thing 
fast so that nothing but an axe would open it. He had 
to go to town because, as they had been in the house 
only two weeks, the hammer and nails had not turned 
up yet among the barrels and boxes. 

When he had gone, Howard went into the cellar, 
which, after all, was scarcely a real cellar, being on a level 
with the ground; and then he examined the door carefully 
to see if he could discover the cause of the mystery. He 
wore his Indian moccasins, so his steps were noiseless ; 
and as he stood there silently studying the time-stained 
and rickety old door, it opened suddenly with a swish. 
Howard started and was about to run, when he thought 


212 


The Rambillicus Book 


of Roosevelt at San Juan, and stopped. He stared into 
the closet, and as the cellar was well-lighted, it was easy 
to see into its depths, and he instantly saw something 
there. 

He opened his eyes in astonishment, for the some- 
thing was a bent and feeble old man dressed in funny 
clothes of antique style, whose white beard almost 
touched the ground. Howard thought that he must be 
dreaming, but the old man’s voice drove away the 
thought. It was only when he spoke that Howard 
regained his composure and his courage ; for, after all, 
there was nothing fearsome in a feeble old man. The 
ancient gentleman in the long coat and silk stockings 
came to the doorway. 

“ So your father is going to get nails and nail up 
this door, eh?” he said. 

“He is,” replied Howard; “but he didn’t know 
you were in there, I am sure.” 

“Well, he mustn’t do it ! I can’t have this door 
closed !” said the old man. 

“Why, it’s our house !” cried Howard. 

“Tut, tut; I’ve lived here for ages, before your 
father was born or his father before him, and I won’t, 
have it !” 

Now, as Howard knew that his grandfather was 


2I 3 


The Panjandrum 

ninety-seven years old, he was very much astonished at 
this statement. 

" Was it your house, then ?” he asked. 

“ Certainly not. This house was the residence of 
the Colonial Governor before the Revolution, but it was 
unoccupied for many years, and I took possession of 
this closet in 1814, just after the war. I’ve been here 
ever since, and nobody has dared to think of nailing up 
the door until your presumptuous father conceived the 
notion. I wonder what kind of people live in the world 
now, anyhow?” 

The little old man fairly danced around in the closet 
as he spoke. 

“I don’t think, sir,” Howard ventured to say, “that 
my father would have wanted to shut you in. He merely 
wished to keep the door closed.” 

“ Well, I want it open to give me air. I’d be 
smothered soon enough if I were to be shut in here. 
Besides, I wish to see what’s going on in this 
world.” 

“Why don’t you hire a house of your own?” asked 
Howard. 

“ Because, first, I can’t afford it; and second, I don’t 
believe in paying rent. That’s why. This house suits 
me, and I have never been disturbed before in all these 


214 


The Rambillicus Book 


years. I can pursue my vocation here better than any- 
where else/’ 

“What’s a vocation?” asked Howard. 

“That’s my work. I am, or rather I used to be, a 
toxicologist ; but I have not done much at it of late, as 
my rheumatism has bothered me a great deal these last 
sixty or seventy years. You know what a toxicologist is, 
I presume?” added the old man, peering out at Howard 
from under the bushiest white eyebrows he had ever seen. 

“ Oh, yes,” said the lad. “That’s a man who stuffs 
birds and things.” 

“ Oh, no. You are thinking of a taxidermist. A 
toxicologist is one who studies all manner of poisons 
and other injurious or toxic matters. See?” 

“Do you take the poisons yourself?” asked Howard, 
“or do you try them on cats ?” 

“ Rats, mostly,” replied the old man. 

“What is your name?” asked Howard, after he had 
thought about this reply for a moment. 

“Archibald Memnon Skeets is my name, and a rare 
name it is. I’ll warrant you never heard it before, and 
quite likely, too, for I made it up myself.” 

“Then you must have had another before.” 

“To be sure ! I was called Paracelcus, the Magician, 
ages ago.” 


2I 5 


The Panjandrum 

“Then,” cried Howard, “you are a magician !” 

“No, I told you I am a toxicologist. I was a wizard 
once, but that calling went out of fashion a hundred years 
ago. I suppose I might have made a good living telling 
fortunes and selling charms to the poor and ignorant, but 
when the best and wisest people began to turn up their 
noses at wizards and to write books showing how all our 
tricks were performed, I very sensibly took up another 
trade. No more whizzing for Archibald Memnon Skeets 
when he can’t associate with the best people. And I am 
very happy in the toxicological profession, or was, until 
I heard your father threaten to nail me in here.” 

“ What’s the sense of your sticking to this musty 
old closet, anyhow?” asked the boy. 

“Aha! That’s the crucial question. Why? Well, 
I have a lot of reasons. In pursuing my studies out in 
the wide, wide world among the trees, plants, grasses, 
and the like, I was constantly pestered. I was pestered 
not merely by flies, mosquitoes, and the like, but every 
time I wandered abroad I came home with some new 
affliction, such as woodticks and jiggers, or was all 
swelled up with poison ivy. Ever had jiggers?” 

“ Not that I know of,” replied Howard, dubiously. 
“ I don’t remember.” 

“ Huh ; if you’d ever had them you’d never forget 


21 6 


The Rambillicus Book 


them. They are as small as red pepper, but when 
they get in under your skin and begin to itch, they 
feel like elephants. You want fifty fingers, each one 
with a bear’s claw at the end to do the right kind of 
scratching when they get under your skin. And poison 
ivy !” 

“Oh, I’ve had that!” exclaimed Howard; “several 
times, and hives, too !” 

“ Hives are pretty tough, but jiggers are a good 
deal worse,” said Mr. Skeets. “ Then there are the ticks, 
forty times as big as jiggers, but as bad. Wasps and 
hornets, burrs in my whiskers, hay fever and snakes, all 
pestered me nearly to death, and I’d get stone bruises as 
big as half-dollars wearing these thin shoes. Oh, it was 
awful out there !” 

“You could have taken rooms in the city,” said 
Howard, feeling very much like laughing, for all these 
things scarcely bothered him at all in the woods. 

“ Oh, yes, in the city ! And have these new-fangled 
electric light wires go off on me and burn me to a crisp ! 
I’ve read about them in the old papers people leave 
here in the cellar. And have boilers explode under me 
or trolley cars run over me, or airships drop wrenches 
and things down on my bald head, or get knocked sky- 
high by an automobile. No, sir ! No city life for A. M. 


217 


The Panjandrum 

Skeets ! His little cellar closet is good enough for him, 
if folks would only leave him alone.” 

“ Then it was you who made people move away 
from here and think the house was haunted ?” asked 
Howard. 

“ No, indeed ! Not a bit of it ! No one would 
ever have suspected that I was here from any noise I ever 
made.” 

“ Then why did they think the house was haunted?” 
asked Howard. 

“ It was the house’s voice. All old houses come to 
have a voice. It can be heard at dead of night even 
when the air is calm, and when the wind blows then it’s 
very loud. It comes creaking and even grunting from all 
the old beams and rafters, so that you’d think things were 
moving in every room, tiptoeing softly along the floor, 
sliding and gliding, and stumbling and stubbing ghostly 
toes on the uneven boards. I’ve heard them so many 
times now that I hardly notice them at all. I'm so snug 
down here that I don’t care. No one to pester me and 
compel me to do a thing.” 

“I think I’d like that myself,” said Howard. “You 
never have to take a bath, do you ?” 

“ Took the last one in 1825, I think,” said Mr. 
Skeets. 


218 The Rambillicus Book 


“ And you never have to clean your nails, comb your 
hair, nor get it cut, nor brush your clothes, nor shine your 
shoes, I suppose ?” 

“ Never. I am one of the regular old-time hermits, 
for they never had to do any of these things, and that’s 
the reason they wanted to go and be hermits, I suspect” 

“ I’d like to be one, only I don’t think I could stand 
that closet I’d willingly be a hermit out in the woods,” 
said Howard. “ Why not let us fix up a tent out among 
the trees yonder, and I could sometimes come and stay 
with you ?” 

“Too many bugs,” said Mr. Skeets, with a shudder. 

“ Then you’ll be nailed in.” 

“ Wouldn’t your father let me stay here if I asked 
him very nicely?” 

“ I am afraid not. He’s a very stern man, and he’s 
real mad now besides,” replied Howard, intent on getting 
the old man to move to the woods, for he was anxious to 
try a hermit’s life. 

“ Well, I can’t live in a tent, that’s certain. It’s bad 
enough here on rainy days, but what would it be in a 
tent ! I tried a cave once and it affected my mind so that 
I got to writing verses.” 

“What did you write? Can you remember any?’" 
asked Howard. 


219 


The Panjandrum 

“ Only one or two of a poem about The Dog. I 
had a dog then, you know. This is the way they went,” 
said Mr. Skeets : 

“ The dogs they sail in little barks, 

Barking from shore to shore ; 

The echoes, making funny harks, 

Go harking more and more. 

“ Sad irons, quite sad, and iron dogs — 

‘Fire dogs,’ so-called, of old — 

Yet sad irons bred with fire dogs make 
Sad dogs, indeed, I’m told.” 

“Why, that’s fine !” cried Howard. “I think you 
are a real poet, like James Popcorn Riley or Theodosia 
Garrison. I’ll write that down, so as not to forget it.” 

While he was writing the verses down in a little 
book, the old man suddenly made a bolt into the closet 
and Howard heard his mother coming downstairs. She 
asked him why he was staying down in the cellar, and 
although Mr. Skeets vigorously gesticulated to him to 
keep silent, he felt obliged to tell her all about their 
cellar lodger. 

She was frightened, but Howard said that Mr. 
Skeets was a perfect gentleman, and at that the old man 
came out and bowed profoundly. He was more fright- 


220 


The Rambillicus Book 


ened than she, and when she saw that, she took courage 
and asked him what he was doing in her cellar. Howard 
told her what he had been told, and then suddenly recol- 
lected that Mr. Skeets had said that he had several rea- 
sons for staying in there, but had revealed only one. 

“You forgot to tell me the second reason for living 
in the cellar instead of staying in a room upstairs,” 
said he. 

“ I’ll reveal the reason at once,” said Mr. Skeets. 
“ It was because the Panjandrum would get me in any 
room in the house. This cellar door is too small for him 
to reach me.” 

“ For goodness’ sake ! What on earth is a Pan- 
jandrum ?” inquired Mrs. Hooper. “I never heard of 
anything of that name.” 

“ It’s an oviparous, omnivorous, and carnivorous 
animal and a nocturnal one as well, which has pursued 
me for ages, or ever since I defeated the Persian conjuror 
Ben Hafiz Ibrihim in a contest of magic. I think that 
Hafiz sicked the Panjandrum on me by his magic art, for 
it has most persistently hounded me ever since. Never 
a night but I hear him prowling about the house and 
through the rooms, hoping to catch me unawares.” 

“Then, that’s why they say the house is haunted !” 
cried Howard, triumphantly. 


221 


The Panjandrum 

“ I suppose that’s the reason,” said Mr. Skeets. 
“ The Panjandrum never comes much when the house is 
occupied, however, and I was not going to say anything 
about him.” 

“ What sort of animal is he ?” asked Howard. 

“ Well, he is very peculiarly built, and that’s what 
has saved me. His head is so much larger than his 
body that he seems all out of shape. I would say his 
head was about as big as the rain-water hogshead out- 
side, and in fact it’s all he can do to squeeze through 
the ordinary doors of the house. Of course, if he can 
get his head in, his body has plenty of room, for that’s 
no larger than a Newfoundland dog’s body. He is all 
scales and warts and lumps, and looks as if he had been 
broken and then repaired. On the end of his tail he 
has a big ball of hard horn. If he whacks you once 
with that you’re done for, I tell you.” 

“ Why doesn’t he reach into your closet backward, 
even if he can’t get his head in, and hit you with his 
tail ?” inquired Howard. 

“Just because, thank goodness! he hasn’t sense 
enough to think of it, and that’s why I’m still here, alive 
and kicking,” replied Skeets, smiling. “ I used to wonder 
at it myself, but I’ve seen how very stupid he is, and am 
sure he would never conceive such a brilliant idea. If 


222 


The Rambillicus Book 


you could see the silly beast drinking with the utmost 
difficulty from the fountain in the front yard, instead of 
going down to the pond where he can get all he wants, 
you would be convinced that he has no sense.” 

“Ah, then that’s what’s taking all of the water every 
night !” cried Howard. 

“ Sure. He comes at midnight and drinks all that 
is in the basin, and then sits with his mouth under the 
spout of the shell, drinking by driblets. You never 
saw anything look quite so foolish. That’s all he knows. 
He’ll sit there until near dawn and then isn’t full, yet 
he can see the pond over there in plain view. But silly 
as he is, I am dreadfully afraid of him, for he’s after me 
for certain.” 

“ I’ll take a flashlight photograph of him to-night !” 
cried Howard. 

“Beware of him,” said Mr. Skeets, earnestly. “He 
is very fierce.” 

“ How far can he jump ?” asked Howard. 

^ “ Well, I can’t say. He hasn’t legs like other ani- 

mals, but his feet are right up close to his body, like 
a caterpillar’s, and he runs like a deer.” 

“ I’ll get father’s gun and shoot him !” cried the 

boy. 

“A bullet, even a charmed witch-bullet made of 


The Panjandrum Taking his Midnight Drink 



































































































































































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■ 




225 


The Panjandrum 

sterling silver, would never go through his tough hide, I 
am sure,” said Mr. Skeets. “ No, you can do nothing, 
when a distinguished conjuror and magician like myself, 
a member of the Magian Society of Wizards and an 
Associate Member of the Archseers’ Lodge of Alche- 
mists, can do nothing but hide in a closet under the cellar 
stairs.” 

“ Well, we’ve found out a lot of things since you 
went out of business, and I’ll bet Henry Kellar, the 
magician, could soon find a way to fix the Panjan- 
drum.” 

“ I’ve never heard of Kellar, but I doubt if he’d 
finish the Panjandrum.” 

“Well, there will be a full moon to-night,” said 
Howard, “and I’m going to take a peek at him any- 
how, from the front window; see if I don’t.” 

When night came Howard placed himself in the 
window and watched for the Panjandrum. He watched 
for hours and finally fell asleep there. About midnight 
his father came and waked him, whispering : “ It’s here.” 

Howard looked out and saw the awful thing drink- 
ing from the basin of the fountain. It had a great round 
head, something like a tiger’s, a long neck, and a body 
like that of a small bear, all warty and lumpy ; but he 
could not see its feet at all, for they were so close to its 


226 


The Rambillicus Book 


body as to be invisible. It drank all the water in the 
basin, and then held its mouth close to the shell for a 
long time. 

Mr. Hooper had not brought his gun, for he had, in 
fact, hardly believed what Skeets had told Howard about 
the animal ; but now he went for it. However, it was 
of no use, for Mrs. Hooper could not remember in what 
barrel she had packed his shells, and so he could not fire 
at the Panjandrum. Toward dawn it went away into 
the woods. 

Then Howard set to work to think out some way to 
destroy the awful creature, and after a long time he 
thought of a plan which was very original and clever. 
Knowing that no bullets would harm it, he had to dis- 
cover a method of attacking the Panjandrum from the 
inside, where he was weak and vulnerable, and he pro- 
ceeded to arrange for his attack. 

He went to the drug store without telling anybody 
what he was going to do, and soon returned with a large 
package in each of his coat pockets. All of his brothers 
and sisters begged him to tell them what was in the two 
packages, but he remained silent, saying only that they 
would know in the morning. He then arranged a sort 
of little platform of wire just over the shell in the hands 
of the statue in the centre of the basin, a sort of wire 


The Panjandrum 227 

basket, in fact ; and from this he ran a cord that, when 
sharply pulled, would tip the basket over suddenly and 
drop its contents below. He covered the bottom of the 
basket with paper to prevent its contents falling out 
before he was ready, and then he went down and told 
Mr. Skeets that he thought he could finish the Panjan- 
drum that very night. The ex-wizard was very doubtful, 
but said circumstances alter cases and he would wait and 
see what happened. 

Howard was so excited that he could scarcely eat 
his dinner that evening, and it seemed as if midnight 
would never come. His father came to the window and 
watched with him, and was as curious as any of the chil- 
dren to know what his son was about to do ; but Howard 
begged him to wait with the rest and see what would 
happen. The Panjandrum came much earlier than usual, 
for it had been a warm day and he was very thirsty 
indeed. He drank up all the water in the fountain 
almost instantly and eagerly licked the wet spout of the 
shell as the water trickled slowly out of it. His mouth 
was wide open, so that the moonlight shone right down 
into it and revealed his ten rows of teeth glistening 
like pearls, and his scarlet tongue and his red palate. 

Howard had the string in his hand and waited until 
the Panjandrum’s great mouth was wide open, and then 


228 


The Rambillicus Book 


pulled the string sharply and suddenly. The children, 
watching with their parents, saw a great pile of white 
powder fall out of the wire basket right into the animal’s 
red mouth like a snowdrift from a roof. 

The Panjandrum, startled, jumped a few feet away, 
and then suddenly fell upon the grass and began to 
writhe in convulsions. Then he swelled up like a bal- 
loon. A mass of white, frothy foam flew out of his mouth, 
and there was heard a tremendous sizzling and hissing 
inside of him as he tossed about and tore up the grass 
with his claws. The hissing continued for fully twenty 
minutes, but long before that the Panjandrum had ceased 
his struggles and lay, choked to death, on his back. 
When all was perfectly quiet, Mr. Skeets was seen run- 
ning out toward the dead animal with a broad grin on 
his face. 

“ He’s done for!” he shouted. “He’s completely 
finished ! Howard is certainly a magician !” 

All went out then and surveyed the creature. He 
was quite dead. 

“ Now tell us what you used to kill him,” said Mr. 
Hooper, looking at his smart son with great respect and 
admiration. 

“ Nothing but Seidlitz powders,” replied Howard. 
“ I just mixed two immensely big powders together, and 


The Panjandrum 229 

when they fell into him, all filled with water as he was, 
of course they went off as usual and blew him full of 
fizz.” 

After that they had the Panjandrum skinned and 
stuffed, and Howard made a big pile of money, exhibit- 
ing him, while Mr. Skeets stood at the door and explained 
all about him to the audience. Mr. Skeets is still living 
with them, although they are in a new house. He has 
a room of his own, and Howard thinks he is the nicest 
company in the world. 

Mrs. Hooper is sometimes afraid that he will teach 
her son to be a wizard, but I am not afraid of that, for 
there is no money in the magician business, nowadays. 
Next summer he and Howard are going to live in a tent 
in spite of jiggers and poison ivy, and there may be 
something more to tell about them then. 



































































































































































































































































































































































































































Glossary 







Glossary 


ALADDIN. — An Arab boy of fifteen who became the possessor of a 
lamp that controlled the actions of the Genii, but who soon lost it, and it 
has been missing ever since. 

ANTEDILUVIAN ERA. — That period when Noah’s Arks were 
unknown, or, at least, so expensive that few children had them. 

BREADFRUIT TREE. — A tree of the palmated type, growing on 
tropic islands, with fringiferous, edible fruit in the shape of hot rolls, buns, 
cookies, and pretzels. The fruit is fresh every hour, but soon gets stale, 
when it is made into breadfruit pudding. 

CANDY ISLAND. — A small, circular island in Lat. 2° N., Long. 13 0 
T 23" W. Discovered by Captain Herman Wirz, of the Bark Gay 
Nutmeg, of Horseheads, N. Y., in 1899, but soon lost through the care- 
lessness of the makers of the geography. 

CONJUROR. — From Con — to delude, and Juror — the juryman. A 
species of sorcerer. Evokes spirits by bad-smelling herbs, etc., and per- 
forms magical feats. 

DELICATESSEN. — A wild, ravenous, hazaracking beast that an- 
noyed the Rambillicus and broke up his show for a time. It was a cross 
between a cuttle-fish or polypus and a razor-backed pachyderm. 

DIAPLASTICUM. — The place where the Rambillicus cooks all of 
his cakes, pies, doughnuts, etc. I can’t describe it, as no one has ever 
seen it. 


233 


234 The Rambillicus Book 


DINKIDORIUM. — An animal of the saurian type found in the Skeet 
mountains. The young are called Dinkiis. 

DOLDRUMS. — Spots in the ocean where the water is molasses. The 
pancake fish is found there in vast numbers. Lat. 4.39 reduced from 5. 

DRAGON. — A dreadful creature like an immense lizard, a hundred 
feet long, that spits fire, exhales flames and smoke, as well as a poisonous 
vapor that destroys all within miles of him. Lives in caves and eats lovely 
maidens raw. Some dragons have wings — all have claws. Very scarce. 

DYPSOMANIAC. — A man afflicted with a terrible thirst for lemon- 
ade, vinegar bitters, paregoric, castor-oil, kerosene, benzine, red ink, furni- 
ture-varnish, and such curious beverages. A dypsomaniac has been known 
to saw wood to procure something to satisfy this awful craving, but this is 
a rare instance and cannot be proven. 

ELF. — A diminutive creature of the fairy class. Apt to be mis- 
chievous and sometimes malicious. Works in the dark and never appears 
but at full moon. Has a bad habit of exchanging himself for a dear little 
baby in the cradle, and can’t be driven away except by being forced to 
laugh, when he instantly flees with loud wails of anguish and mortification. 

FAIRIES. — Beautiful, well-dressed creatures of a size so small as to 
make it nearly impossible to see them easily in the dark, which is the only 
time they’re out. Generally frequent woods, meadows, and picnic grounds. 
Sometimes seen in theatres, but rarely. 

FIRE DOGS. — Iron frames used to support logs in old-time fire- 
places. Supposed by our ignorant forefathers to have once been live dogs 
that were changed to iron by witches. Even in the hottest fire the dogs 
were always silent. But the logs may have had some bark left. 

GALLEON. — A ship loaded with gold by Spaniards, that is lost some- 
where along shore or on some island. The cargo is estimated to be worth 
about nine million dollars. 


Glossary 235 

GAZIPP BERRIES. — Acidulated, red, shiny fruit of the Gazipp bush 
upon which the Skeewink feeds. Not adapted to children’s palates. 

GAZOOZA BIRD-FISH.— See Gewgaw. 

GEWGAW. — Oviparous, singing birds of strange form, half fish, half 
bird, that lay their eggs in the water or string them from trees over streams. 
Also called Gink birds and sometimes “ flying shadlets.” 

GNOME. — First cousin to an elf and somehow related to the fairies. 
Busy little men who toil underground, digging gold and silver for lucky 
boys who fall asleep just at the right spot and catch the gnomes at work. 
Gnomes are left-handed in both hands. Have no teeth, but extraordinarily 
long whiskers. They can see in the dark. Found only in Germany and 
Sweden. 

GOBLIN. — A dwarfish, ugly creature of malignant aspect and bad 
habits. Plays rude, impolite pranks upon men who are out late at night, 
stealing their door keys and leading them astray into bogs and pitfalls. 
Found in Germany, Ireland, and the rural districts of France. Not yet dis- 
covered in America and not expected. 

GOOBOO. — An animal from Borneo kept by captains of ships to 
scare away youngsters who wish to be cabin boys. Feeds on tarred rope 
and soap. 

GUINEA PIG. — A viviparous, omnivorous, gregarious, and sapona- 
ceous animal, about as big as a rat, so called because they cost a guinea 
each in old times. Can be handled by infants without breaking apart, 
which can scarcely be said of any other article of commerce. 

HAUNTED HOUSE. — Residence occupied by spooks. Evidences 
of the occupation are certain noises, squeaks, scratching sounds, rats, mice, 
cats, and cockroaches. Nothing is ever seen in such houses, however, and 
the man who heard the mysterious noises is always working across the 


236 


The Rambillicus Book 


river, so nothing can ever be learned about them, but the neighbors can 
always tell what the man told them. I have always noticed that a haunted 
house is occupied as soon as the rent has been reduced by these rumors 
to a low figure, after which it is no longer haunted. 

HORNSWAGGLE. — A sugar-coated snail, upon which the Rambilli- 
cus feeds. Found only in patches of Sacharia flowers. 

HYOSSIMUS. — A saurian of great size that guards Candy Island by 
day, while at night he hunts for his prey. Swims with a whirling motion. 
Is entirely amphibious, ubiquitous, and also omnivorous at times. 

KIWI BIRD. — A bird of the genus Dinornis Minutis. Wingless 
and with legs like the ostrich, and two large, fluffy balls of down instead 
of a tail. Feeds on marbles, tops, matches, pins, slate-pencils, and chew- 
ing-gum. 

MAGICIAN. — Same as a conjuror and wizard, only worse. 

MERMAID. — A lady living in the sea. Nothing is really known 
about mermaids, and it is doubtful that any ladies would continue to live in 
the sea while so many obvious bargains were to be seen daily on shore. 

MYASCUTIS DUFLICKIS. — Name bestowed by a German profes- 
sor of biology upon the other side , of the Rambillicus. 

OGRE. — A ferocious, ever hungry, and immense man, sometimes a 
giant, who catches children in stories, and then is overthrown and even 
totally demolished by the same. Sometimes a bachelor, but generally 
married. Pronounced Oger. Ogres always have a great treasure hidden 
somewhere, and a boy who finds it never need learn a trade or profession. 
He can go right into the hotel business at once and become a millionaire. 

OOMPALOOLOOLAND. — A region in Africa not generally known 
to white men, where the natives paint themselves in stripes, plaids, and 
other patterns instead of wearing clothes. In Lat. 4 0 1 1' 44" S., Long. 18 0 


Glossary 237 

i^ r 15" w. Bounded on the north by Umsquatipoo, on the east by 
Hoolalalala, on the west by Boo, and on the south by the desert of Gosh. 

PANJANDRUM. — Anciently called “ Grand Panjandrum ” by the 
Greeks and Romans. A stupid but ferocious beast of the order Numis- 
mata. Feeds on small boys and pug dogs. The dark green Panjandrum 
is the scarcest animal known. Its fur is worth a hundred thousand dol- 
lars per yard, and is used for polishing punkle shells by the Arabs of Ben 
Nasr. The common Panjandrum can be distinguished from the uncommon 
variety by its tonsils, which are bright yellow, flecked with carmine spots. 
When young it can be tamed, but when its teeth are grown it becomes 
savage and very unreliable. 

POLYZOODLE. — A hairy and hungry animal that got a boy I knew. 
Its appetite is insatiable, and the animal is utterly unreliable, untamable, and 
unseaworthy. 

PROLETARIAT. — From Latin pro — to go for, and tarrio — to remain 
away. Generally called the Warty Proletariat. 

RAMBILLICUS. — A mild, innocent, and lovely animal belonging to 
the Mammalian order, species Genialis, only one of which is born in a cen- 
tury. In shape he somewhat resembles a hippopotamus, but has a pleas- 
anter face. Never sleeps, but lies awake at night thinking of nice things to 
get for the children who come to visit him in the Perennial Picnic Grounds. 

ROC. — An Arabian bird of immense size, discovered by George W. Sin- 
bad, the explorer in the desert of Gumb-Arabia. Has beautiful dark-blue 
plumage with yellow spots. It hatches its young among the inaccessible 
mountains, but they are nearly all destroyed by the Skeewink before they 
are grown up. The Roc cannot bear a cold climate, and never, or very 
rarely, wanders beyond the Arabian desert. Several have been shot by 
English sportsmen, and they are said to be fine eating when stuffed with 
peppers and cheese. 


238 The Rambillicus Book 


SARGASSO SEA. — A region in the ocean, where the sea is grass 
and gas comes up to suffocate the mariners whose ship is entangled in it. 
Sea-cows abound here, and their milk is said to be very much superior to 
that of cows feeding on ordinary grass. Also, sea-rabbits thrive in the 
Sargasso grass plot. Lat. 9 0 N., Long. 1 1° 44' 6' 2" W. E. by N. half E. 

SKEETERS. — A wild tribe in the Skeet Mountains that live on 
bark, worms, and lightning-bugs. Never bathe and are therefore supposed 
to be the happiest human beings on earth. This proves that contentment 
is better than an automobile. 

SKEEWINK. — A rather small animal, shaped like a raccoon, which 
attends the Rambillicus constantly and searches for small children to bring 
to him. Perfectly harmless and very playful. Has a voice like a sawmill, 
but rarely uses it. 

SKIMOLIX. — Pronounced Skim-olicks, from the Scandinavian skim, 
meaning “tweezer-headed,” and olix, “hairy night-animal.” First men- 
tioned by Gieronimus Philomenapipodon, the Greek naturalist, as found in 
the Tooralooral Mountains in the time of King Midas. Very rare now, 
and difficult to catch a glimpse of and not good to eat. 

SORCERER. — A man who, not satisfied with the fruits of honest labor, 
seeks the aid of demons, spooks, witchcraft, and spells, to gain power. No 
sorcerer can cross a stream, eat sweet pickles, have his photograph taken, 
nor harm one who crosses his fingers. Witch hazel will drive a sorcerer to 
drink. Generally very hideous, aged men, but they can assume any form 
they desire before midnight. After that hour the conjuror must resume 
his own shape for at least sixty minutes. See Wizard and Magician. 
Also keep as far off as possible when seeing them. 

SPINK. — A small animal like a mongoose that follows or precedes 
the Warty Proletariat. 

SPOOK. — Something hanging behind the door in the dark which, 


Glossary 239 

when examined, proves to be grandma’s old calico wrapper with the kitten 
pulling at its lower end. Sometimes, however, it is a night-gown. 

STARVATION. — The period of time between meals. 

TAXIDERMIST. — A man who upholsters dead birds, animals, and 
things, and mounts them on a board so that they do not look as they did 
when alive. 

TELL-TALE BUG. — A tiny insect that reveals everything it sees a 
bad boy do or say. Dark green with red spots on back. Runs so fast 
that one can scarcely see it. Mothers and fathers can always find tell-tale 
bugs when they want to, as they are fond of grown-ups. 

ULTIMATUM. — A quadrupedal, semi-palmated mammal that looks 
like a camel, a unicorn, and a horned toad, and has a tail like the brindled 
gnu. He is a partner of the Hyossimus. Can walk on the land, but not 
gracefully. Body is marked with a perfect Scotch-plaid pattern. 

VARLET. — One of the names always applied by lords and noblemen 
in stories to menials. See Churl ; also Minion ; also Caitiff. 

WAND. — Stick usually made of gallows-wood, used by wizards in 
casting spells, invoking spirits, changing a boy into a goat, etc. Can only 
be operated by a past-master in wizzing. About a foot long and painted 
black, with curious figures carved upon it. 

WIZARD. — From Wiz-hard, to wiz with great effort. A he-witch. 
A man who deals in spells, magic, incantations, witchcraft, and sorcery ; 
very ugly ; generally warped and disfigured. Often limps from old wound 
made during an endeavor to escape from some accident caused by his dark 
practices. See Sorcerer; also Conjuror. If seen, have no dealings with 
them, however. 

WOOZA BUG. — An explosive insect found only in Oompalloolooland. 

















































































































































































































































































































































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